Some Funnies

[Noel Burgess]

Someone just e-mailed this link to me at work - It's self explanatory
http://www.contractjournal.com/Artic...-new-logo.html

Noel

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Canadian girl from Port Perry Ontario named Playmate of the Year..
Jif needs a nice girl like this to bring to CC7..

Canadian Native Jayde Nicole Is Playboy's 2008 Playmate of the Year

LOS ANGELES, May 8 /CNW/ -- Tell the band to strike up "O Canada" --
Ontario's own Jayde Nicole, 22, is Playboy's 2008 Playmate of the Year. The
brunette bombshell is featured in a 10-page nude pictorial in Playboy's June
issue (on newsstands and at http://www.playboydigital.com Friday, May 9).
Along with her title, Jayde receives $100,000 in prize money and a 2008
Cadillac CTS. She is Canada's first Playmate of the Year since 1982 when
Shannon Tweed was honored with the title. A one-hour special of the Playboy
Playmate of the Year announcement will air May 18, exclusively on Playboy TV.
Jayde's intoxicating beauty and girl-next-door appeal has made her a
local celebrity in her hometown of Port Perry, Ontario, about an hour outside
of Toronto. Jayde owns a modeling agency called Jayde Nicole Inc. that she
founded in 2005 and had been managing the day-to-day operations of the agency
before catching Playboy's eye and landing the title of Miss January 2007.
Playboy's newest Playmate of the Year graduated with honors from Port
Perry High School in 2004, and attended George Brown College in Toronto where
she studied hotel and resort management.
Jayde is currently writing her own fitness and beauty book and has just
finished filming a pilot for a reality television show about her life. She has
also appeared in Today's Bride magazine and on the cover of American Curves.
Last year she organized her second annual charity car wash, which helped raise
money for the RED campaign to help fight AIDS in Africa.
Jayde is one of four Ontario-born Playmates, including Miss April 2004
Krista Kelly (Brampton), Miss June 2003 Tailor James (Mississauga), and Miss
January 1990 Peggy McIntaggart (Midland). Playboy named its first ever
Playmate of the Year, Ellen Stratton, in 1960.




http://jaydenicole.centerfoldheaven.com/

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Jif needs a nice girl like this to bring to CC7...

Too young for me, ya git!! Something like that will have you for breakfast and run...

Nah, y'see it's like this, Alex... I be bringing someone to CC7 already, someone a hell of a lot more real and impressive than that fluff! So mind yer manners...

[RHClarke]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Canadian girl from Port Perry Ontario named Playmate of the Year..


http://jaydenicole.centerfoldheaven.com/

:

Good to see something nice (other than CMPs) come out of Southern Ontario...by the way, nice "fluff". You'll know where to find me for the next few hours.

[cliff]

I was sent this one by a friend in England.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Barry Churcher]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to sh*t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your cheeks WILL fall off!



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite jalepiňo peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The jalepiňos in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand-mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my *ss is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofab***h!", then quickly left.



Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Sobey's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

[Keith Webb]

But others are groaners


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?'



A little boy went up to his father and asked:'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine'


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,'

'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'


Two Reasons Why Its So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan.'


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'

The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS!'


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, 'I did that by accident.'

She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa.'

He replied, 'How did you know?'

She said, 'Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by RHClarke

by the way, nice "fluff"

What "fluff"? What happened to doormats with "welcome" trimmed into them?!?!