Some Funnies

[Tony Smith]

The Kiwi love affair with ALL things Australian is as strong as ever.

The article doesn't explain his reasons for retracting the claim, was it A: He now realises it wasn't a Wombat that got him, or B: It was a Wombat, but they have reconciled their differences and everything is consensual now?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Thought this was appropriate ...

Subject: What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[gjamo]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kelvin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Kelvin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be
possessed with at least some ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Kelvin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kelvin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Kelvin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Kelvin, "You gotta guv me another week to come up with the $500."

[Barry Churcher]

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances
are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can
be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be
patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words
and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you
can see who did this over and over and over…)

7 .Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in
352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please
refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve

[Keith Webb]

A friend sent this to me...

[Howard]

You may insert your own teams/locations as necessary...
HH

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Cowboys fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Cowboys fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Townsville, so my mum is a Cowboys fan and my dad is a Cowboys fan, and so I'm a Cowboys fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cowboys fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

[cliff]

A friend in the States sent me this one. Hopefully it is not to over the top for most of you.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[lynx42]

I know what the hands are thinking, but just what did Charlie-boy say to get that great smile? Every-one I've shown it to grin as well. Must be one of the best photos of Charlie ever.

[Phil]

Kevin Rudds Defence Budget Cuts


First go at posting photos , hope this works