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#31
28-01-05, 23:26
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Karmen-one from Bobbie Burns Night
Imagine,it took a week to remember this one told by my friend Bob Murphy,ex Black Watch,who showed up,as a surprise,from Newfoundland-and I quote
"A little Newfie is sitting at the bar at Happy Hour,minding his own business,sipping his drink,when in walks a big burly yank,who as he passes him,gives him a chop to the left side of his neck,The Newfie hits the floor.The big yank looks down and says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."The little newfie picks himself up and sits on his stool.The big burly yank decides to go to the bathroom,and,as he passes,gives the newfie the chop to the right side of his neck.AS he picks himself up the yank says,"That's a judo chop from Japan.While he's away,the little newfie leaves.About a half hour later,all of a sudden,the big yank goes down off his bar stool.AS he leaves the little newfie pauses at the bar and says to the bartender,"Bay Jesus bay,when the lad comes too,just tell him that was a crowbar from f--kin Canadian Tire." 
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#32
28-01-05, 23:33
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wet
dammit Garry bay .... I jest wet me wee bittie drawers and so did the The Old Incontinant Sunray reading this!!! LMAOPMPROF
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#33
29-01-05, 13:54
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You could mount this chap on the front of any truck, really....
__________________
Gordon, in Scotland
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#34
29-01-05, 16:18
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Re: 2 birds ... one frying pan
Quote:
 : I'm still waiting for this SPAM AND EGGS meal! Perhaps today?
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#35
29-01-05, 21:49
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Re: Karmen-one from Bobbie Burns Night
Quote:
That reminds me ... Double Decker Two bowling teams, one of all Newfies and one of all Nova Scotians chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Moncton. The NS team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Newfie team rode on the top level. The NS team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Newfies upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When she reached the top, she found all the Newfies frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The Nova Scotian asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Newfies looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk:
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#36
29-01-05, 22:28
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I'm still laughing!!
Al,going to a 50th birthday tonite at Winston Churchill Pub for my wife's sister.My sister-in -law from Scarborough Ont will be there.By the way,she's a NEWFIE!!!!!
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#37
29-01-05, 22:33
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Karate chop offspring
The bar is empty except for an Oriental and Jew.
They both have evil in their hearts, and glare angrily at each other. Suddenly, the Jew springs to his feet, rushes to the Oriental's table and hammers him a good one. The dazed Oriental asks, as he picks himself off the floor... "What the Hell was that all about?" The Jew answers, "That was for the Korean War." The Oriental says "But why hit me?...I'm Japanese" The Jew mutters, "Aw, all you slitty eyed buggers are all the same to me." Time passes. Each extra shot of booze fuels the Oriental's passion, until... Up he leaps, dashes to the Jew's table and, with a "Hai Kai", smashes the Jew in the face. The dazed Jew asks, as he picks himself off the floor... "What the Hell was that all about?" The Oriental answers, "That was for the Titanic". Confused, the Jew says "But the Titanic hit an iceberg". To which the Oriental says..."Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...all you guys are the same to me".
__________________
PRONTO SENDS
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#38
30-01-05, 06:43
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Re: I'm still laughing!!
Quote:
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#39
30-01-05, 17:18
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Re: Karate chop offspring
Quote:
Still in fine form, you are, Master Skagfeld! K.
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#40
20-04-07, 02:01
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Some Funnies
This one was just emaild to me...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went & worked on his Blitz. (OK so I changed it a bit...) BTW, 12 months yesterday since joining the MLU. My boss would like to thank the MLU community for the drop in productivity over the last year or so.
__________________
Howard Holgate F15 #12 F15A #13 (stretched) F60S #13 C15A #13 Wireless (incomplete) Last edited by Howard; 20-04-07 at 02:09.
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#41
20-04-07, 02:06
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One More
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
__________________
Howard Holgate F15 #12 F15A #13 (stretched) F60S #13 C15A #13 Wireless (incomplete)
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#42
20-04-07, 02:11
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Re: Some Funnies
Quote:
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#43
20-04-07, 02:27
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Two cars were in a bad accident on a lonely country road. A man crawls out of one mangled wreck, while a beautiful woman gets out of the other.
The Man says: "Crap look at the cars! They're write offs!" The Woman says (while tousling her hair): "Yes, but we're completely unhurt. What a thrill, I feel so alive and aroused! It must be a sign that we were destined to meet, perhaps to fall in love and live happily ever after". Man: "I never thought about it like that. How lucky are we then?" Woman: "And look! Even though our cars are nothing but mangled wrecks, this bottle of whiskey has survived unbroken. Another good sign, we should toast our happy future together." She pours him some a large glass, and he says "Cheers!" and gulps it down. Man: "Aren't you going to toast our happy future together?" Woman:" No, thanks. I'll wait until the Police arrive."
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#44
20-04-07, 03:18
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A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The
guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo. So, the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass". The tirade goes on with the cop saying nothing. When he finishes writing the citation he puts an AH in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature. Angrily, the guy signs the citation, tearing the paper and, when presented his copy, points to the AH and demands to know its meaning. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the guy's face and says, "That's so when we go to court I'll remember you're an asshole!" Three months later they are in court. The defendant has such a bad record he is about to lose his license, and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination, the defense attorney questions him: Q Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client? A Yes, sir. This is the defendant's copy; his signature and mine; same number at the top. Q Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make? A Yes, sir. In the lower right corner of the narrative there is an AH, underlined. Q What does the AH stand for, Officer?" A Aggressive and hostile, sir. Q Aggressive and hostile? A Yes, sir. Q Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole? A Well, sir, you know your client better than I do
__________________
Every twenty minute job is one broken bolt away from a three day ordeal.
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#45
23-04-07, 21:52
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Two fish are in a tank...........................
............................one looks at the other and says, "How do you start this thing?". regards Darrell
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#47
10-05-07, 08:56
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Laugh ya bastard
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff..." "And before he could say 'F**k!' the rottweiler got him!"
__________________
Howard Holgate F15 #12 F15A #13 (stretched) F60S #13 C15A #13 Wireless (incomplete) Last edited by Howard; 10-05-07 at 09:01.
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#48
13-05-07, 13:15
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An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some week ago for being smart and funny , while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way into the desk . He slapped his ticket down onto the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS" The attendent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these paople first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM" Withont hesitating, the attended smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please , may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughtout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS, If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14." With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendent, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."
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#50
18-07-07, 00:44
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New One
Almost sounds like a true story...
A United States Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
__________________
Howard Holgate F15 #12 F15A #13 (stretched) F60S #13 C15A #13 Wireless (incomplete)
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#51
26-07-07, 03:49
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Re: New One
Quote:
To embelish your theme... Terror Alert The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides. The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.   
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk:
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#53
26-07-07, 23:09
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No introduction needed...
Quote:
__________________
SUNRAY SENDS AND ENDS :remember :support
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#54
27-07-07, 02:05
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Working on a carrier
Three mates are working on their carrier. One Bloke says to his mate "What's your problem, you don't seem very happy today?"
"Nah!" he says, "Coming here today has cost me a paint job on the house and new landscape gardening. How am I going to afford all that?" "That's nothing!!" pipes the second, "Today has cost me a new sports car and some diamond jewellery for the Missus. That's expense." The third guy puts his head down and works even harder. Finally, the other two quip, "So come on smartarse.....what did it cost you?" "Nothing" he says. "NOTHING. How'd you pull that off??" "Well," he said, "I woke up a 3am this morning, rolled over and said to my wife "I'm going to play on the carrier with the boys later.....or we could have sex right now?", She rolled over, pulled up the quilt and said "Say hello to the boys for me, and make sure you put your dirty clothes in the laundry when you get home.""  Pedr
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#55
02-08-07, 14:22
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From a German Mate...
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
__________________
Howard Holgate F15 #12 F15A #13 (stretched) F60S #13 C15A #13 Wireless (incomplete)
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#57
02-08-07, 16:54
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Happy birthday
Today is my son in laws birthday..
I sent him this... enjoy and if it is your birthday double it..!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACUjMNDSrgY&NR=1 
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk:
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#58
08-08-07, 00:12
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Wartime
This was emailed to me today by a 95 year-old WW2 veteran some of us know...
 ******************************************** Subject: War Time A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it." "It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors." "People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?" "What, my son?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"
__________________
SUNRAY SENDS AND ENDS :remember :support
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#59
08-08-07, 02:34
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Gunner...
Our own gunner training his crew in Africa...
or a reasonable facsimile... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPFYc...elated&search=
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk:
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#60
08-08-07, 07:50
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A man wakes up in hospital. . . . . . .
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes into the ward and says :
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a nasty pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your manhood was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." Now the man groans a bit, but the doctor goes on : "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, maybe better, in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap, it's a thousand pounds an inch" The man perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch one she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inch one this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "Well" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife ?" "I have." says the man. "And has she helped you in making a decision ?" "She has" says the man. "And what is that decision ?" asks the doctor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "We're having a new kitchen". R.
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Linear Mode
