Some Funnies

[Darrell Zinck]

Springtime in Canada:

Q-What follows two days of rain?

A- Monday.

regards
Darrell

[Private_collector]

After World War Two had ended, an English couple adopted a young German child, Wolfgang, who had become orphaned during the war. For five years they cared for the boy and gave him all the love he ever needed, but despite their best efforts, Wolfgang never spoke a single word. Being convinced this was a result of mental trauma, they didn't make a big deal about it, and just accepted that the poor lad may never speak again. One day, the mother decided to bake Wolfgang a special treat for his birthday, a nice apple strudel. The mother and father presented the pastry to the child and wished him happy birthday. Upon tasting the delicacy, Wolfgang turned to his adopted parents and clearly said.....This Apple Strudel is Tepid! The parents were instantly shocked at the statement, and more so for the fact Wolfgang had spoken. After regaining their composure, they asked the boy why he had chosen that moment to speak after being silent for all those years. Wolfgang looked at them both with a puzzled expression on his face and simply replied.....UNTIL NOW EVERYTHING HAS BEEN SATISFACTORY!!!

[Mike K]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
* (Shane Wakelin).*

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.'
*(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).*

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
* (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).*

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in
Groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
* (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..*

*Brock Maclean ( Melbourne )* on whether he had visited the Pyramids
During his visit to Egypt :
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
What time it is.'
*(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird*).

*Jonathan Brown*, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the same, just darker.'

*Ron Barassi* talking about *Gary Cowton* 'I told him, 'Son, what is it
With you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

*Barry Hall* ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
*(Dermott Brereto*n).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
* (Mark Williams).
*

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
They scored.'
*(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles*).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
* (Luke Darcy).*

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which
Was identical.'
* (Dermott Brereton).*

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
Them serious.'
* (Adrian Anderson).*

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
Thing again.
* (Andrew Demetriou).*

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
There are none better.' *(Dermott Brereton).*

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
Lifetime for that prat.' *(Terry Wallace).*

*Garry Lyon* : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
*David Swartz*: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
*(Dermott Brereton).*

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
For even longer.'
* (Dermott Brereton).*


And the winner is....................*Dermott Brereton *
*(*It's not only blonde sheilas who're dumb)

[colin jones]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[lynx42]

My mate said, "I like your Blitz."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. Five grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad!!..

[Darrell Zinck]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I got caught urinating in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to a bar last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

regards
Darrell

[Little Jo]

Hi All

RCMP Frozen Carburettor Incident

Sometimes humour comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.
You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police),
But you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:
Frozen Carburettor Incident:
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day months ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne....."

Cheers

Tony