Some Funnies

[lynx42]

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Jason,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Jason included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Jason.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Typical Dutch ingenuity:

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[lynx42]

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days. This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day". The gobby German trucker says, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?" After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replies..........
"A LANCASTER BOMBER!!..

Regards Rick.

[colin jones]

Three Aussie Telecom blokes Mongrel, Coot and Bluey are working in the outback up a mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly...

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...

[Darrell Zinck]

Springtime in Canada:

Q-What follows two days of rain?

A- Monday.

regards
Darrell

[Private_collector]

After World War Two had ended, an English couple adopted a young German child, Wolfgang, who had become orphaned during the war. For five years they cared for the boy and gave him all the love he ever needed, but despite their best efforts, Wolfgang never spoke a single word. Being convinced this was a result of mental trauma, they didn't make a big deal about it, and just accepted that the poor lad may never speak again. One day, the mother decided to bake Wolfgang a special treat for his birthday, a nice apple strudel. The mother and father presented the pastry to the child and wished him happy birthday. Upon tasting the delicacy, Wolfgang turned to his adopted parents and clearly said.....This Apple Strudel is Tepid! The parents were instantly shocked at the statement, and more so for the fact Wolfgang had spoken. After regaining their composure, they asked the boy why he had chosen that moment to speak after being silent for all those years. Wolfgang looked at them both with a puzzled expression on his face and simply replied.....UNTIL NOW EVERYTHING HAS BEEN SATISFACTORY!!!

[Mike K]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
* (Shane Wakelin).*

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.'
*(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).*

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
* (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).*

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in
Groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
* (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..*

*Brock Maclean ( Melbourne )* on whether he had visited the Pyramids
During his visit to Egypt :
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
What time it is.'
*(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird*).

*Jonathan Brown*, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the same, just darker.'

*Ron Barassi* talking about *Gary Cowton* 'I told him, 'Son, what is it
With you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

*Barry Hall* ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
*(Dermott Brereto*n).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
* (Mark Williams).
*

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
They scored.'
*(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles*).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
* (Luke Darcy).*

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which
Was identical.'
* (Dermott Brereton).*

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
Them serious.'
* (Adrian Anderson).*

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
Thing again.
* (Andrew Demetriou).*

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
There are none better.' *(Dermott Brereton).*

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
Lifetime for that prat.' *(Terry Wallace).*

*Garry Lyon* : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
*David Swartz*: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
*(Dermott Brereton).*

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
For even longer.'
* (Dermott Brereton).*


And the winner is....................*Dermott Brereton *
*(*It's not only blonde sheilas who're dumb)