Some Funnies

[lynx42]

A man was telling his buddy “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”

“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”

“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said, ‘Dad, meet my new boyfriend– Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!’”

[Howard]

Well, I'm exhausted.
It has taken ages, but, at last... LINK

[Howard]

The owner of a golf course on the Peninsular was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Melbourne and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[lynx42]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[lynx42]

Hmmmmm!


These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And finally

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Could be any country.

[lynx42]

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Regard Rick

[Little Jo]

Hi Guys

I thought I would share some good old Aussie humour with you. Senior Citizens raffle at the bowling club.


http://www.youtube.com/embed/r0kIj_PIpaI

Cheers

Tony