Some Funnies

[Mike K]

Dear Prime Minister,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the Australian economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars for projects that nobody needs or wants e.g. insulation bats, Solar panels, School fund to have 3 assembly halls at ten times the price for 30 students. Why not use the following plan.

You can call it the Gillard Redhead Retirement Plan:

There are about 5 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them Â$ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Five million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car.
Five million cars or der ed - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy Â$100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!


Also
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell..

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay Â$400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wan der ing around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Australia to speak up!

[Keith Webb]

...of this, emailed to me by a fellow MLU-er. Guess which one is the Leader of the Opposition and which is our embarrassment of a Prime Minister.



NB: This would be funny if we didn't have to endure it.

[Darrell Zinck]

One day a fellow was walking across a field when along comes another fellow in a hot air balloon floating 30 feet above the ground.

“Excuse me,” says the man in the balloon to the man on the ground “but I’m lost. Could you please tell me where I am?”

“Sure” says the man on the ground “You’re in a balloon 30 feet above the ground.”

“Hmmmm. You must be an NCO” say the man in the Balloon.

“Why, yes I am.” says the man on the ground. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the man in the balloon, “Although everything you told me is technically correct but absolutely no help to me whatsoever.”

“Well then” says the man on the ground “You must be an Officer”

“Why, indeed I am” says the man in the balloon, “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man on the ground, “here I am walking along minding my own business when you come along and suddenly all your problems are my fault.”

[Keith Webb]

in horror films...

[Little Jo]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Cheers

Tony

[Howard]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what really happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what did happen to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fXXk happened to Stanley?"

[lynx42]

The Aussie Version of Creation




In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for Sailing, footy matches, going to the beach,and BBQs.


He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming, SailingClick Me! and BBQs on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer Garlic for "Pork" (which he would invent on Day4)
And wood forYacht Masts, BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Fourth Day God created animals Pigs and Cows
and crustaceans, chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to make use of all these wondrous creations - Sail Yachts, go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to Crew on his Yacht, go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the Sailing Boats, twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of Roast Pork, grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.

Well - almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to Anti Foul, bury the chop bones, clean up the mess and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, polish the boat, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good - it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

MATE!! IT WAS ALL AUSTRALIAN!!!!!