Some Funnies

[Howard]

Anger Management - by a man called Chris
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but who you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an arsehole!' And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an arsehole!'. It always cheered me up..
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an arsehole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first arswhole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an arsehole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea....
I called arsehole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an arsehole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asrsehole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home andI have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asrehole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, arsehole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your arse'
I answered, 'Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[Mike K]

Dear Prime Minister,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the Australian economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars for projects that nobody needs or wants e.g. insulation bats, Solar panels, School fund to have 3 assembly halls at ten times the price for 30 students. Why not use the following plan.

You can call it the Gillard Redhead Retirement Plan:

There are about 5 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them Â$ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Five million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car.
Five million cars or der ed - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy Â$100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!


Also
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell..

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay Â$400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wan der ing around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Australia to speak up!

[Keith Webb]

...of this, emailed to me by a fellow MLU-er. Guess which one is the Leader of the Opposition and which is our embarrassment of a Prime Minister.



NB: This would be funny if we didn't have to endure it.

[Darrell Zinck]

One day a fellow was walking across a field when along comes another fellow in a hot air balloon floating 30 feet above the ground.

“Excuse me,” says the man in the balloon to the man on the ground “but I’m lost. Could you please tell me where I am?”

“Sure” says the man on the ground “You’re in a balloon 30 feet above the ground.”

“Hmmmm. You must be an NCO” say the man in the Balloon.

“Why, yes I am.” says the man on the ground. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the man in the balloon, “Although everything you told me is technically correct but absolutely no help to me whatsoever.”

“Well then” says the man on the ground “You must be an Officer”

“Why, indeed I am” says the man in the balloon, “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man on the ground, “here I am walking along minding my own business when you come along and suddenly all your problems are my fault.”

[Keith Webb]

in horror films...

[Little Jo]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Cheers

Tony

[Howard]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what really happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what did happen to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fXXk happened to Stanley?"