Some Funnies

[DaveCox]

Originally Posted by Harry Moon

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed6...r-first-period

I thought it was about Hockey!

Excellent, haven't laughed that hard for years!

[aj.lec]

HOLY SOAP!
>
> Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
>
> They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no
> soap.
>
> Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
> to dress.
>
> He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the
> hall when
> he sees three nuns heading his way..
>
> Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's
> a
> statue.
>
> The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
> The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
> Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
>
> "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
>
> To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
> Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
>
> Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
> three times but nothing happens.
>
> So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
>
> "Holy Mary, Mother of God,
> HAND LOTION TOO!
>

[Howard]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Harry Moon]

Originally Posted by DaveCox

Excellent, haven't laughed that hard for years!

I don't forward much but that had me in tears and i can just see it happening for real. occasionally i ride the skytrain downtown and back and it is amazing what people will talk about into their cell phones to everyone's (who isn't plugged into something) amusement.

[Darrell Zinck]

Phil's scrotum
The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."


regards
Phi.......err.......Darrell

[aj.lec]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this..
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

[aj.lec]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked
as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia ..

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

[lynx42]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Julia Gillard called Kevin Rudd into her office one day and said "Kevin, I have a
great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters"..

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Kevin.

"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM
Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll
really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we
really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Kevin.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from
Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they
were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and
up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Rudd and Gillard stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding
now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at
their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail
with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the
other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He
walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and
went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and
lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the
dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar
with two arseholes"...

[lynx42]

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once
more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??
The prostitute replies, 'Well, Pops, you're doing about three knots.
Three knots? he asks. What's that supposed to mean?
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back!'