Some Funnies

[Mike K]

House of ill repute


See if you can work this out:





There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..


There were four men ....

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.





What were the nationalities of the four men?












* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ...........................................!!!!!!


Ya gonna hate this ........................................





* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

[Ganmain Tony]

Carpe Diem - Fish of the Day

Magnum Opus - A very large Irish Cat

[Darrell Zinck]

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Wild Weasel driver in Nam , but when they retired the Thud, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. His voice trailed off as he mentioned something about going after those damned Chinese Commies across the border. But I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. And, after all he was wearing a threadbare olive green jacket with lots of zippers and a patch that said “The first one to light up, gets smoked”. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy old pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender handed the old fighter pilot a neat scotch whiskey and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" the old pilot said.


After a long pull from the glass, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."


The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered whiskey and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.


When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"


"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".

[aj.lec]

Police stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[aj.lec]

I said Paws to the wall you animals and spread em !

[Bruce MacMillan]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," was the reply.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[aj.lec]

This would be funny if there wasnt a hint of truth in it

Lay Off Letter


Little wonder why this guy is boss. He is sharp! You can't be any fairer than this...


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way because of their spending spree and proposed Carbon Dioxide tax.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty Rudd and Gillard bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change.....I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[lynx42]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything Different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down Again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Bert yah shoulda bought a hat, Bert, yah shoulda bought a hat."