Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

A no-armed man named Alexei Blairski goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." Alexei Blairski accepts the job.
The next day on his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below.
By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."

Now as extra punishment read these 6 times out loud:

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
Skip it.

Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
It's way over your head.

Did you hear the joke about the river?
It's water under the bridge.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because his mum threw a fridge at him.

Have you heard they have proven that plants can communicate feelings? It can't speak, but when you squash a grape it gives a little wine.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting cow wh--?
-MOOO!

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
-Orange who?
-Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

[hrpearce]

What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?






A stick.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

A no-armed man named Alexei Blairski goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." Alexei Blairski accepts the job.
The next day on his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below.
By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."

Now as extra punishment read these 6 times out loud:

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
Skip it.

Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
It's way over your head.

Did you hear the joke about the river?
It's water under the bridge.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because his mum threw a fridge at him.

Have you heard they have proven that plants can communicate feelings? It can't speak, but when you squash a grape it gives a little wine.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting cow wh--?
-MOOO!

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
-Orange who?
-Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

Keith ..
When I saw the joke I though of our favourite photo junkie and couldn't resist..and on your retort ,seeing it is Thanksgiving,you are forgiven..
(Canadian and US Thanksgiving are on different dates..
Canadian..always 2nd Monday in October..)

[Keith Webb]

Here are some fun ones:

Grammar rules to keep in mind
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don’t use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keith..
Here is a blonde for you..

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."