Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it..

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great...




Some asshole's got my pen!'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I've often been asked,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?

Well..I'm working on a chemical engineering

degree, and one of the things I enjoy most is

turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas

into urine.

[Keith Webb]

Tea for two?



via

[aj.lec]

AHHH so thats Lazy Susan Keith
would have to be one strong table if she was sitting in the middle of it though

Of a similar vintage

A 1919 Poster
The comment attached at the bottom read
I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?

[aj.lec]

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[aj.lec]

Dating in 1965

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1965 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred replied; eyebrows rising.

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes
out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a poodle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" her mother called as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"It's 'The Twist', Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

"The freakin' dance is called the Twist!”

[Keith Webb]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

’Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.

’What’s going on here, people?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m making love to me wife,’ the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

’Oh, I’m so sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’

’Well, needer did I,’ says Paddy, ’til ya shoined dat bloody light in her face!!!