Some Funnies

guyvapeur · #1 29-11-09, 02:07

At the crowded Blacktown bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, Wayne, a muscular jackaroo fromWalgett, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Wayne smiled and in his best Strine answered her : 'Well, miss, normally I would agree, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I thought we were friends.'

aj.lec · #2 29-11-09, 06:54

Doris on semi retirement

After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, feral, fat arsed fugly, unattractive, mean-acting
woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The fugly woman stopped yelling long
enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
would screw you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

lynx42 · #3 29-11-09, 10:48

Andrew,
Thats a ripper. Jill and I are still laughing. Thanks.
Rick.

Alex Blair (RIP) · #4 29-11-09, 15:17

My buddy came into the bar last Monday and had the two biggest shiners that I ever saw ...I asked him what happened and here is what he told me..
"I was in church on Sunday and a fat lady sitting in front of me ,when she stood up to sing,had her dress stuck half way up the crack of her arse,..so gentleman that I was ,I reached over and pulled her dress out ...and as quick as a middleweight,she turned and hung a knot on me so fast ,I didn't even see it coming..."
I said ..Jeez..no sense of humour at all..but blacked both eyes..???
"No...when I gathered my senses and straightened up the second one came when I was tucking her dress back up the crack of her arse..."

aj.lec · #5 02-12-09, 12:49

good call

Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) · #6 11-12-09, 04:26

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Jack Layton grants in an interview with Mike Duffy that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US and starts a successful agribusiness company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Bob Rae is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada 's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

THE END

Lynn Eades · #7 11-12-09, 04:41

Why is it that I feel like, WE'RE the ones, that have to find another planet to get away from this Sh*t!........It aint just Canada!

Ganmain Tony · #8 11-12-09, 07:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Jack Layton grants in an interview with Mike Duffy that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US and starts a successful agribusiness company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Bob Rae is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada 's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

THE END

That's a bottler Jiff.

Lionelgee · #9 05-01-10, 00:31

G'day MLU-ers,

One of the funniest Youtube videos from Queensland and it has canetoads which are one of the most noxious pests in Australia and kill native species because of the toxicity. So various "sports" of canetoad extermination has developed. The language is very Australian and could offend those with more polite ears.

I can translate for some of you not familiar with some Australian terms... The animation won a national prize. My home is surrounded by sugar cane so there are plenty of these little buggers hopping about each night.

Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFFOodz5NtU

Kind Regards
Lionel