Some Funnies

[Kuno]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...

Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Barry Churcher]

So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?



1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House'. Then we burned it, and most of Washington .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars)

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass (Incidently...so does our beer)

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.



OOOoohhhhh..... Canada !!

Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.

[Howard]

Four married blokes are fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outfishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Fishing or Sex?'
and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[colin jones]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could take a bath but the woman of the house told her they never had one, but she could use a tin bath in front of the fireplace.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts, " she said..
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following monday...!
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was very surprised to see the young girl had no pubic hair and she told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtain so you can see for yourself.
The following monday, while the girl got undressed, the wife asked,
"Do you shave?
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes" said the woman, and showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, " but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "Your've seen it before."
"I know." he said,"but the darts team hdhn't!!"

[Ganmain Tony]

Four Union reps were at an outdoor barbeque during a convention and discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first bloke was from the Brewers Union and he turned to his dog & instructed it to get a jug of beer and pour it out evenly into three glasses. The dog did this without any trouble.

The second fellow, who was from the Bakers Union claimed he felt his dog could out do the first. He instructed his dog to get a tray of biscuits and divide it into four even piles. The dog accomplished the task without a flaw.

The third chap was from the Architects Union. He admitted the both dogs were clever but thought that his could beat them both. He turned to his dog & told it to go & draw a square, a circle & a triangle on a white board. The dog accomplished the task easily.

They all turned to the fourth bloke who was from the Water Side Workers Union and said "What can your mongerel do mate???"
The bloke turned to his dog, who's name was 'Tea Break' & said "Show these bastards what you can do mate!!!"

Tea Break ate all the biscuits, drank all the beer, pissed on the white board, screwed the other three dogs, compained he had hurt his back, filed a workers complaint & shot through on sick leave.......

[colin jones]

John O'rielly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh, thats very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[aj.lec]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.........