Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

Here's a golden oldie:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach

when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a

booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried

to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge

to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord

said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific

and the concrete and steel it would take! It will

nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,

but it is hard for me to justify your desire for

worldly things. Take a little more time and think of

something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker

thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand

women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's

thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why

she cries, what she means when she says nothing's

wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied,









'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Mike K]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)



According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers.... and then there are educators!!!

[Tony Smith]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Here's a golden oldie:
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach ........
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; ......and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment

Poor bloke must have given up riding in the end:

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Tony Smith

Poor bloke must have given up riding in the end:

Bet that's not the first time something like this has occurred.

Has it happened to anyone else?

[cliff]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Bet that's not the first time something like this has occurred.

Probably happened to a lot of guys with R.A.Ts. Sydrome over time Keith

[Rob Beale]

After he retired, Joe's wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like
most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.




Dear Mrs.Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
J.Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares'. Get on it right away! This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Police were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here'. One of
the clerks passed out.