Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

Thought this was topical ...


Better than a Flu Jab!



Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the Vicar
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity


about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist .
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[aj.lec]

A woman sitting in a Darwin Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration
'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[Bruce MacMillan]

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,
"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin

[colin jones]

The young girl who just got her first job at a hardware store was about to serve her first customer.
Good morning sir what can I get you.
The man replies " I would like a file thanks "
Which one would you like, she says.
"I'll have that bastard up there".
Well the young girl was horrified at the mans language and asked him to leave. The manager heard this and explained to the young girl, that it is in fact a bastard file and the man was not being rude.
An short time later, another man came to the counter. Good morning sir, how can I help you this wonderful morning.
" I want a file thanks"
certainly sir, which bastard would you like.
The man look at the girl and pointed at the wall and said,
" I'll have that f....ker over there.??

[Ganmain Tony]

Originally Posted by Bruce MacMillan

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,
"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin

Bruce that was a bloody pearler!!! Sorry I'm just catching up reading these things. This one reduced me to tears!!!

[Ganmain Tony]

Socialism - You've got two cows, the goverment takes both and gives you the milk.

Facism - You've got two cows, the goverment takes both and sells you the milk.

Nazism - You've got two cows, the government takes both and shoots you!

Liberalism - You've got two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.

Labourism - You've got two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away!!!

[aj.lec]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[aj.lec]

The Church Gossip..


Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business... Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence..
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon...




She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away he didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.






Later that evening,

Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home..... and left it there all night !!!


(You gotta love Frank!)