Some Funnies

[Tony Smith]

With the Global Financial Crisis causing failures in the Financial sector, Banks around the World were approaching their Governments for assistance and handouts. The Australian Government offered help for smaller banks wishing to merge and amalgamate to improve their resistance to collapse.

Thinking this was a good way to pick up some quick cash, the CEOs of the Sperm Bank and the Red Cross Bank go to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and ask for $50mil in assistance.

He replies: "You're joking, aren't you? You 2 are a pair of Bloody Wankers!"

[Keith Webb]

Penny Lane

There's also a Strawberry Fields one.

[Howard]

A truckie went in to a 'house of ill repute', slapped $500 down and said "Give me your oldest hag & get me a burned chop.
The Madam said "For $500 you can have the best!"
The truckie replied "I'm not horny, I'm home sick!"

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[Darrell Zinck]

Rules for the "Non" Military

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:*

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.


2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the Canadian Flag in protest - kick their ass.


3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.


4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces,
Pretendingto be a soldier might have been okay when you were seven years old Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).


6.If you witness someone calling the * Reserves* 'non-military', Inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.


7. Next time the National flag marches by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.


8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Canadians, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). TheGovernor General (for those who didn't know) is our CinC Regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.


9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying It! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick your ass!


10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me- if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!


11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), * 'Grunt' (*Army*), Hairy Bags' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other.
Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.


12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of t he military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get it's ass kicked..'


*'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'

'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.'


*AND ONE MORE::


13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in other language than French or English - KICK THEIR ASS.