Some Funnies

[Sally Ann]

The Four Cats



Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'


CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies.......


drank the milk......


sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......


put in for Workers Compensation............... and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............




AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£290,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking £2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a
pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.

That's why they call it 'present'

[Keith Webb]

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[Tony Smith]

B B Q RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the
meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

[hrpearce]

There are four houses of worship in a small, rural Texas town: the Pentecostal Church, the Baptist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. All four houses of worship are overrun with pesky squirrels. In the Baptist Church,the deacons meet and decided that they are not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they trap the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels are back. In the Pentecostal Church, they decide to pray for the squirrels to go away. A fortnight later, the population has doubled. The Catholic Church comes up with a better solution. They baptise the squirrels and register them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[Jon Skagfeld]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

NEVER EVER TICK OFF A NURSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his staff None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have
to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed.... 'Not with a CARNATION.'

Shades of "Carry on Doctor"!

[Keith Webb]

Here are a couple of good ones... first 9 things women say

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes in the sanctity of your workshop before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm, and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever! : Is a woman's way of saying F - - K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

And for you Canucks. Obviously the author of this one was unaware of CMPs in Canada.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'


'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John, 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.


'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[Howard]

Rules for Women Teachers: 1915- Queensland Australia

1. You will not marry during the term of the contract.
2. You are not to keep the company of men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8.00PM and 6.00AM, unless attending a school function.
4. You will not loiter downtown in ice cream parlours.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits without the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colours.
9. Under no circumstances may you dye your hair
10. You must wear at least two petticoats and your dresses must not be shorter than two inches above the ankle.
11. To keep the school room clean, you must sweep the floor at least once daily, scrub the floor with hot soapy water at least once a week, clean the blackboard once a day and start the fire at 7.00AM so that the room is warm when the children arrive

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Missing Missus..??
You need some practice...

http://www.cci-ammunition.com/game/default.htm

[Richard Farrant]

best score I had so far is 49...........little varmints

[Sally Ann]

Got 61 on first try .. Geoff was a witness... Guess since I am not weeding gardens anymore I can work off my grrr on the varmits

Thanks Alex, that was fun! (Do you have one with Raccoons ??? )

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I Heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[RHClarke]

All this talk about lawnmowers makes me pine for springtime...

[Keith Webb]

and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand

Takes me back to the time Jif and I were inspecting the C60L in the washaway at Doug's place and Jif touched the electric fence...

[Keith Webb]

How to load a moose at 60 mph...



Source

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

How to load a moose at 60 mph...

Looks like the moose had a bowel problem as he went over the caravan

[Keith Webb]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing
guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix
anything. Not like me. I change a fuse , and the whole street
blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even
if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his
Bloody widow.'

[Keith Webb]

True Blue Aussie teenager

Link

[Keith Webb]

Link

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Just posted on the News net..
She was probably on the donut run ...

OPP officer charged

ORILLIA, ON, Feb. 10 /CNW/ - The Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) has
charged a member of the OPP for driving a police vehicle while on duty in
excess of the posted speed limit.
On January 31, 2009 Brant County OPP stopped the unmarked OPP vehicle on
Highway 403 for driving 165 km/hour in a posted 100 km/hour zone. The
subsequent investigation found that the officer was not within the lawful
execution of her duties at the time.
Detective Constable Heidi Fischer was charged with Driving 50 km/hour or
more over the posted speed limit, contrary to Section 172 of the Highway
Traffic Act.
The officer's driver's licence was suspended for the required 7 days and
the OPP unmarked vehicle was impounded for 7 days.
Detective Constable Fischer is a 4 year member of the OPP posted to
Provincial Operations Intelligence Bureau at General Headquarters in Orillia
and will appear in Provincial Offences Court in Brantford on March 24, 2009.




For further information: Inspector Dave Ross, Deputy Director, Corporate
Communications Bureau, Phone: (705) 329-6874

[gjamo]

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[Keith Webb]

Obama beat box.

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/ju...bama_Beat_Box/

Before watching make sure you don't have a mouthful of coffee near your computer.

[Col Tigwell]

Took her little tacker to the beach.

There is all dressed up in his new sailor suit, paddling around at the edge of the water.

Suddenly a big wave comes in and sweeps him out to sea.

Mother jumps to her feet, looks up to the sky and says "please lord help me".

Another big wave comes in, a deposits a very crumbled boy at her feet.

Mother looks up to the sky again and says "he had a hat on when he left".

Regards

Col

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

NSFW but funny as hell!

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...tupid_piece_of

[Keith Webb]

I've heard there is a little bad language on The Sopranos

Somebody had a LOT of spare time on their hands.

Loved the Sony one Jiff!

[Keith Webb]

I managed to get about this far through..

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

98% of Canadians say "OH SHIT!" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say,

"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"

[Tony Smith]

With the Global Financial Crisis causing failures in the Financial sector, Banks around the World were approaching their Governments for assistance and handouts. The Australian Government offered help for smaller banks wishing to merge and amalgamate to improve their resistance to collapse.

Thinking this was a good way to pick up some quick cash, the CEOs of the Sperm Bank and the Red Cross Bank go to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and ask for $50mil in assistance.

He replies: "You're joking, aren't you? You 2 are a pair of Bloody Wankers!"

[Keith Webb]

Penny Lane

There's also a Strawberry Fields one.