Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

GOOD, BETTER, BEST

Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball.'
He replied, 'Central Otago Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[aj.lec]

NEVER EVER TICK OFF A NURSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his staff None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have
to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed.... 'Not with a CARNATION.'

[hrpearce]

Subject: Celibacy...


>
> Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy, for
> example.
>
> This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
> factors.
>
> While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Susan
> listened to the instructor declare:
>
> "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
> important to each other."
>
> He addressed the men in the group.-
>
> "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
>
> Robert leaned over, touched Susan's arm gently and whispered,
> "Self-raising, isn't it?"
>
> Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.....

[Barry Churcher]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified.


He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'


The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's
no warning.


'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he
asked the second man.


'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of.'


'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.


'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.


Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.


Old BUBBA replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'


'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'


BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!


You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now
on!...


--

[gjamo]

Military humour

[aj.lec]

1st Airforce downsizing ?
2nd I wonder if the terorists read signs ?
3rd New personal aircraft

[aj.lec]

1st What to do when you run out of ammo ?
2nd operation Desert glide
3rd smile

[Jon Skagfeld]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

NEVER EVER TICK OFF A NURSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his staff None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have
to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed.... 'Not with a CARNATION.'

Shades of "Carry on Doctor"!

[Keith Webb]

Here are a couple of good ones... first 9 things women say

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes in the sanctity of your workshop before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm, and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever! : Is a woman's way of saying F - - K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

And for you Canucks. Obviously the author of this one was unaware of CMPs in Canada.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'


'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John, 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.


'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[Howard]

Rules for Women Teachers: 1915- Queensland Australia

1. You will not marry during the term of the contract.
2. You are not to keep the company of men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8.00PM and 6.00AM, unless attending a school function.
4. You will not loiter downtown in ice cream parlours.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits without the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colours.
9. Under no circumstances may you dye your hair
10. You must wear at least two petticoats and your dresses must not be shorter than two inches above the ankle.
11. To keep the school room clean, you must sweep the floor at least once daily, scrub the floor with hot soapy water at least once a week, clean the blackboard once a day and start the fire at 7.00AM so that the room is warm when the children arrive