Jeremy Clarkson on Defenders

[Keith Webb]

This article is from The Times

He's a witty writer.


"Defender 90 Td5 Station Wagon
Jeremy Clarkson
They’re fighting the last war – in slow motion



A couple of years ago my wife decided that although she had some horses, the other twin peak of country living was missing. So, she declared, we must rush out immediately and buy what everyone calls “a proper old Land Rover”.
I do not understand the appeal. It offers what’s best described as Sealed Knot motoring, giving its devotees an idea of what life might be like if they had to go about their daily business wearing a full suit of armour. It’s like an automotive Aga: big, heavy, cumbersome and completely ill at ease with itself in the modern age.

Having said that, Richard Hammond is a big fan of old Land Rovers, though because he’s only 5ft 1in tall his is fitted with Cuban heels in the shape of elongated red springs and some high-chair struts.



The F-reg car that my wife bought for £4,000 was much better than that. It had silent air screamers on the front wings, which, as air passes through them, emit a shriek that’s audible only to any deer or bears that might be in the road up ahead. It also had tyres on it that were wider than anything found on a Lambo, and even more knobbly than the Singing Detective’s face.

Apparently it had once belonged to the Swiss army, which was also tremendous. It meant it couldn’t have seen much action.

And because of its military pedigree it had full camouflage paintwork, super black tinted windows, an SA80 clipped to the dash and a 20ft aerial at each corner. It also had a metal roof that could be removed in as little as two days, providing you had six friends to help you, and a small crane.

Mind you, this was not the biggest drawback. No, the biggest drawback was the fact that under the bonnet it had a paraffin stove. It was — and I’m not exaggerating here — the slowest car ever made. And so, when it was charged with the task of towing a horsebox laden with Evo-Stick and Araldite — or whatever it is my wife’s horses are called — it would barely move at all.

Once, on a not-too challenging hill outside Chipping Norton, it just stopped. Honestly, there was more horsepower in the trailer.

This caused many rows. Last year, for instance, I set off in it on December 10 to buy a Christmas tree and I didn’t get back till April.

I hated that car. I hated the heavy steering, and the fact that every time you closed the door it smashed your shoulder into several small pieces. I hated the lack of legroom, and the way the 1.5 horsepower paraffin stove managed to make more noise than the Hoover dam.

Passengers, too, were worried about the sharp edges in the cabin, which they reckoned would be a serious issue in a crash. Chance would be a fine thing; you need to have some speed to have an accident, and our Land Rover wouldn’t even go fast enough to get the air screamers working. Not that this was a problem, because even if you came round a corner at full speed, a tortoise would have time to amble out of your way."