Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

Picture of a man with only seconds to live...

[aj.lec]

Subject::JOKE



A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair.


"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.


But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police
Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with
no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew
down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.


Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this
kind of thing" and
pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to
catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and
walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If
you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."


The man looked back at the Policeman and said,


"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were
bringing her back."


The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[aj.lec]

Subject: Fw: Top Jokes









Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when a gang of snails mugged him. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

SECOND PLACE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. ! Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


__________________________________________________ _________

[aj.lec]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of
this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder."
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag,
loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few
measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length."

[aj.lec]

> > A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
> > man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
> > husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
> > because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
> > some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
> > that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
> > from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
> > would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
> > requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
> > all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
> > completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
> > He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
> > friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
> > beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
> > overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear,
> > I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
> > How can I possibly repay you?"
> > "My darling," she replied,
> > "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
> > kiss you on the cheek."
> >
> > If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!

[Bob Doak]

This is a test to prove or disprove the age old adage that a dog is "man's best friend":

Place your wife and your dog in the trunk (boot) of your car and return in one hour and see which one is glad to see you.

[chris vickery]

A Hells Angels biker enters a bar in downtown Toronto with his pet monkey.
The barman tells the biker that his pet is not allowed into the establishment as he is sure to cause disruption to the other patrons. Convincingly, the biker explains that his pet is really well behaved and IF he does get into any nonsense he will gladly pay for the damages. Reluctantly the barman agrees to the monkey being allowed to stay.
Shortly afterwards, the monkey, doing things monkeys do, decides to start playing and running up and down the bar; he's into the peanuts, stealing stuff etc. The barman is not happy and warns the biker to control his pet or leave. Well, next thing the monkey leaps onto the pool table and eats the cue ball. The barman, furious, kicks the biker and his monkey out.

Two weeks later the same guy returns with his monkey. The same barman is on staff and stops him immediately. You can leave my bar right now he pleads, considering the bad behaviour he had last time and the cost of replacing the cueball. The biker settles up for the damages and once again re-assures him that this time the monkey will behave himself. OK, says the barkeep, business is slow today and I can use the sales.

After a short time a good looking blonde mozies up to sit beside the biker. The monkey starts his nonsense again. After some idle chatter, the biker offers to buy her a drink. The barman delivers a fancy cocktail topped with a cherry. The drink barely hits the bar and the monkey reaches in and swipes the cherry. He then proceeds to stuff it up his a**, pulls it out and eats it... That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, exclaims the blonde!
The biker, laughing this time says:
Since the last time we were here and he ate the cueball he now checks everything for size first...