Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

no wonder CMPs are built so tough and slow
If all canadian truck drivers are like this one in manitoba .Apparently he tried to "hop it" at 55mph

[aj.lec]

AT LEAST THE AIRLINES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR
WESTJET

You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour.

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary , Alberta . West

Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture'

and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that

have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you

want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight

attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here,

find a seat and get in it!'

-----------------------

On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the

pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will

be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants.'

------------------------

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have.'

------------------------

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of

this airplane.'
-----------------------

'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the

business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

---------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport , a

lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight

attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the

overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell

everything has shifted.'

-----------------------

From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to

Calgary . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,

and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised.'

---------------------

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If

you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting

with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your

favourite.'

-----------------------

'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll

try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.'

------------------------

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments.'

-----------------------

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything

left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please

do not leave children or spouses.'

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'West Jet Airlines is pleased

to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'

-----------------------------

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and

I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's

fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,

it was the asphalt.'

------------------------------

Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina , on a particularly

windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really

having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant

said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!'

------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask

you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his

ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required

the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,

and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of

his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

-------------------

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax , the attendant came on with,

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and

the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we

will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

terminal.'

-----------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you

folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge

to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll

think of West Jet Airways.'

-----------------------

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to

smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em.'

-----------------------

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg toMontreal . The weather ahead is

good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit

back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' 0Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally

spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine!

[Tony Smith]

A Multi-Millionaire living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool!

Colin was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Colin was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor! The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Colin.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Colin.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again, Colin said "No".

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Colin, then what do you want?"

Colin said, "I want the bastard who pushed me in the Pool."

[aj.lec]

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines, from Ottawa to Calgary.

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask the flight attendant.

So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant who was busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you!

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

'Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you!

I just knew I liked them for a reason....

[aj.lec]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.



"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"




He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[aj.lec]

Picture of a man with only seconds to live...