Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

had to throw this one on before the shut down at 9:00EST
Just because the Leafs beat the Sens last night in hockey..
I'm a little bitter and twisted..




Two small business men in Toronto are sitting in their soon to be new store..

As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to the other 'I bet you 5 dollars that any minute a newfie is going to walk by..Put his face to the window and ask what we are selling'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious newfie walks to the window, has a peak and asked 'what are ya sellin here byes?'

One of the business men (trying to be a smart ass) says.. 'Oh..we're selling assholes here' as he laughs.


With that the Newfie replies 'Well I see you're doing really well, you've only got two left!'

[Keith Webb]

The legal profession in Britain

A London lawyer goes through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.

He thinks he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from London and is certain he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye havtae to come to complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or jist slow doon?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.

From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.

[Mike Timoshyk]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a> significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

[Mike Timoshyk]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[Jon Skagfeld]

Mike:

Was that Larry's Lethal Weapons in Detroit?

[Richard Coutts-Smith]

This was the poster put up by some caring japanese students in Sydney.
Rich.