Some Funnies

[Pedr]

A bloke rings 000 ( 999, 911 )

"Hello is this the Fire Brigade, I'd like to report my wife missing."

Fireman " Mate this is the Fire Brigade. We don't find missing persons, we put out fires. You want the Police.

Bloke " No I don't....last time this happened I rang them and they found the bitch!"

Pedr

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

BLESSED CANADA
> On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am
> going to create a land calledCanada It will be a land of outstanding
> natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
> goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout,
> forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with
> an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
> God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the
> inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they
> shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
> "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
> these Canadians?"

> "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give
> them."

Here's a fun one I found in another site

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said

"Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus bye' it's 2004! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

Johnny says. "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Missing Missus..??
You need some practice...

http://www.cci-ammunition.com/game/default.htm

[Richard Farrant]

best score I had so far is 49...........little varmints

[Sally Ann]

Got 61 on first try .. Geoff was a witness... Guess since I am not weeding gardens anymore I can work off my grrr on the varmits

Thanks Alex, that was fun! (Do you have one with Raccoons ??? )

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I Heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[RHClarke]

All this talk about lawnmowers makes me pine for springtime...

[Keith Webb]

and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand

Takes me back to the time Jif and I were inspecting the C60L in the washaway at Doug's place and Jif touched the electric fence...

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off', she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Howard]

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand:
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.* Sorry to bother you at thus hour bit there is an umerguncy!!* I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.* It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.
PM:* Shut !!* The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.* W' ill be ruined.*
Hilth Munister:* We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?
PM:* No chence.* The Poms will have a field day on thus one.
Hilth Munister:* What about Australia?
PM:* I'll call Kivin Rudd.* Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms.* 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE:* MEDIUM

[Rob Beale]

A young Aussie bloke was traveling through Europe on his OE.
He was getting concerned at his lack of success with the opposite sex, so asked his Commonwealth cousins for some help.

The Canadian said he knew a young girl from his country, and sent him over to meet her, and a short time later the boy from Oz returned with a bright red slap mark on his cheek.

So they asked him what happened, and he said he asked her: “Do ya screw?” and she slapped him!

The Kiwi said to him, “Look mate you have to sweet talk them, ask them about their favorite pets, books they’ve read or movies they’ve seen, and things they like to do”.

So off he goes to meet a young Kiwi lass, and sure enough he returns with the other cheek slapped.

So they asked him what happened, and he said he asked her “What was her favorite pet? Read any good books? Seen any good movies? Want to screw?” and she slapped him!

The Brit said look, you have to make her feel special, and valued, like she’s a model!

So he spies an Aussie Sheila and wanders over to her. This time the “cousins” move nearby to watch.

And he says: “Are you a model? What’s yer favorite pet?, Read any good books? Seen any good movies? Do ya screw?”



And the Aussie Sheila drawls: “Not till I met you, ya sweet talking bastard!”

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keefy....
Where the hell is that yellow hammer you were using on Swiss Chriss's truck..??

World RSS Email Print
Million-dollar ring stolen in Melbourne
5:15AM Tuesday Mar 31, 2009

Staff at an exclusive Melbourne jewelery store are shattered after the theft of a million-dollar diamond ring, described as a stunning handcrafted nine-carat round-cut solitaire.

On Sunday, a brazen thief used a distinctive hammer to smash his way through reinforced glass and snatch the ring from a window display. The man, dressed in black and wearing a black beanie, stole the piece from Hardy Brothers Jewelers in Collins St about 4.40pm.

"All our jewels are one-offs, stones that size, of that quality are made by God essentially," store manager James Baron said.

The unusual hammer, which has a yellow handle and weighs 1.8kg, is being examined by forensic experts.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I don't know where to put this so I put it here..

RIP.Mikey..


Pop star Michael Jackson dead: report
Reuters



Pop icon Michael Jackson dead: TMZ.com website AFP/File – Pop legend Michael Jackson, pictured in March 2009, died Thursday after suffering a cardiac arrest, the …

* Michael Jackson Slideshow:Michael Jackson
* Michael Jackson has gone into cardiac arrest Play Video Celebrity Video:Michael Jackson has gone into cardiac arrest AP
* Raw video: Austin cancer patient remembers Fawcett Play Video Celebrity Video:Raw video: Austin cancer patient remembers Fawcett KVUE-TV Austin

4 mins ago

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Pop giant Michael Jackson, who took to the stage as a child star and went on to set the world dancing to the thumping rhythms of his music for decades, died Thursday, TMZ website reported. He was 50.

"We've just learned Michael Jackson has died," TMZ said.

"Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back," the entertainment site said.

There was no official confirmation of the reported death and spokespersons for Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Earlier, the Los Angeles Times said that the singer had been rushed to a Los Angeles-area hospital by fire department paramedics who found him not breathing when they arrived at the singer's home.

The newspaper said paramedics performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation at the scene before taking him to the UCLA Medical Center hospital.

Jackson had been due to start a series of comeback concerts in London on July 13 running until March 2010. The singer, whose hits include "Thriller" and "Billie Jean," had been rehearsing in the Los Angeles area for the past two months.

The shows for the 50 London concerts sold out within hours of going on sale in March.

Jackson started out as a child star in the band "The Jackson 5" more than 40 years ago.

He has lived as a virtual recluse since his acquittal in 2005 on charges of child molestation.

There have been concerns about Jackson's health in recent years but the promoters of the London shows, AEG Live, said in March that Jackson had passed a 4-1/2 hour physical examination with independent

[aj.lec]

No one that we know!

Four Horses


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..
He replied, "She called Four Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Keith Webb]

Now to creatively advertise some rusty old junk.

Here's how you sell something on an online auction site for 100 times what it's worth....

"Old mid 80's Fisher and Paykel top loader.
Goes like a rocket!

By 'goes like a rocket' I actually mean that literally.
It actually shakes the house.

It's the loudest most violent sounding washing machine I have ever encountered.
It makes guests scared and children cry. I've lived with it like that for almost a year and it still scares me.

Once while washing a load of towells it got a bit out of balance and it got so out of control for a minute that I swear I actually saw a porthole to another dimension open above it just for a second, there were dinosaurs on the otherside and they looked scared too, it almost sucked me in but I held onto for my life to the deepfreeze. It sucked my shoes and pants off though and it got the iron as well which pissed me off because it was quite a good one. Luckily it sucked it's own power cord out of the wall and stopped before the whole house went in.
I drew a picture of the dinosaurs i saw incase people didn't believe me, they are partly red because my green felt ran out half way through.

I think it would be good to paint it matt black and put steel spikes all over it and draw demons on the front, however I have added an image of another possible customization option for people who like horses.

On heavy duty spin cycle it sort of sounds a bit like the tortured howls of 1000 undead writhing in the sulphury pits of hell mixed with a train with carriages full of scrap iron sliding down the road with no wheels, on fire, into a bell factory.

Thankfully it's bite is not as bad as it's bark. It washes fine, completes cycles, does everything it's supposed to.
It leaks a bit when it's running, always has.
Its a bit grubby, could do with a wipe down, I refuse to touch it because I'm still getting over the whole dinosaur scare thing.

If your in a fix and need a cheap washing machine and are either completely deaf or hate your neighbours this baby is for you."

Had a $1 reserve & sold for $5160.00 !

[cliff]

A friend sent me this....

Wish I could think this fast...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

[Howard]

I have a feeling this may have ben posted before, but a quick quick search of the forum proved fruitless. So, here I present...
Rural Australian Computer Terminology
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

[Howard]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen: an old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

[Keith Webb]

No comment. Really.

[Keith Webb]

Here's a golden oldie:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach

when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a

booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried

to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge

to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord

said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific

and the concrete and steel it would take! It will

nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,

but it is hard for me to justify your desire for

worldly things. Take a little more time and think of

something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker

thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand

women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's

thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why

she cries, what she means when she says nothing's

wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied,









'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Kuno]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...

Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Barry Churcher]

So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?



1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House'. Then we burned it, and most of Washington .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars)

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass (Incidently...so does our beer)

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.



OOOoohhhhh..... Canada !!

Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.

[Howard]

Four married blokes are fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outfishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Fishing or Sex?'
and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[colin jones]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could take a bath but the woman of the house told her they never had one, but she could use a tin bath in front of the fireplace.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts, " she said..
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following monday...!
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was very surprised to see the young girl had no pubic hair and she told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtain so you can see for yourself.
The following monday, while the girl got undressed, the wife asked,
"Do you shave?
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes" said the woman, and showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, " but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "Your've seen it before."
"I know." he said,"but the darts team hdhn't!!"

[Ganmain Tony]

Four Union reps were at an outdoor barbeque during a convention and discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first bloke was from the Brewers Union and he turned to his dog & instructed it to get a jug of beer and pour it out evenly into three glasses. The dog did this without any trouble.

The second fellow, who was from the Bakers Union claimed he felt his dog could out do the first. He instructed his dog to get a tray of biscuits and divide it into four even piles. The dog accomplished the task without a flaw.

The third chap was from the Architects Union. He admitted the both dogs were clever but thought that his could beat them both. He turned to his dog & told it to go & draw a square, a circle & a triangle on a white board. The dog accomplished the task easily.

They all turned to the fourth bloke who was from the Water Side Workers Union and said "What can your mongerel do mate???"
The bloke turned to his dog, who's name was 'Tea Break' & said "Show these bastards what you can do mate!!!"

Tea Break ate all the biscuits, drank all the beer, pissed on the white board, screwed the other three dogs, compained he had hurt his back, filed a workers complaint & shot through on sick leave.......

[cliff]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted..

The end

[Keith Webb]

I know this is a rehash of an oldie but it's appropriate today:

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty"

This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

[gjamo]

> Tools and their uses:
>
> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted
> part you were drying.
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "SH**!!!"
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes
> until you die of old age
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle:
> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
> more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> 6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
> objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
> wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles,
> they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've
> been searching for.
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after
> you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
> firmly
> under the bumper bar.
>
> 10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a
> hydraulic jack handle.
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
> hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading
> mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.
>
> 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin
> oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
> implies,
> to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used
> as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you
> are
> trying to hit.
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
> containing
> upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not
> holding
> the knife
>

[sapper740]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.