Some Funnies

[colin jones]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
> She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
> In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
> The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
> Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
> She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
> As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[aj.lec]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
..
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[Keith Webb]

Well I laughed. A little.

[Ganmain Tony]

Amanda, Felicity and Grace haven't met each other since leaving boarding school in Sydney. Amanda and Felicity both now live in England and since Grace was travelling there on holidays with Dudley, they caught up on Facebook and agreed to meet in London for lunch.

Amanda arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress and orders a bottle of champagne. Felicity arrives next wearing a classy looking grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses Amanda joins Felicity in a glass of champagne. Then Grace walks in, wearing a faded old tee shirt, blue jeans and battered old riding boots.

Amanda explains that after attending Oxford University, she married Julian, a partner in a London law firm and they bought a house in Kent. Susanna, their daughter is in the British equestrian team for the upcoming Olympics and they have a holiday home in Portugal.

Felicity tells them how she studied medicine in Edinburgh before becoming a surgeon. Her husband Phillip is an investment banker. They live in Surry, have an apartment at Knightsbridge and a holiday home in Italy.

Grace then explained that after leaving school she became pregnant and married Dudley, who has a struggling sheep farm, but she was proud of the fact he could stand five parrots, side by side on his erect penis.

Several hours later and halfway through the third bottle of wine Amanda bursts into tears and blurts out that her husband is really a plumber, her daughter has never ridden a horse and they live in a Manchester bed sit. Felicity shamed by her friend's honesty confesses she trained as a nurse's-aid and works at an old folks home with her husband. They own a caravan and once went on a camping holiday to Surry. Grace then sheepishly admitted that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg and flap its wings to stay on.

[Bruce MacMillan]

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction

[Bruce MacMillan]

England has signed with three new sponsors for their football team

[Ganmain Tony]

After watching Uraguay's loss which saw them eliminated from the tournament, I just felt their attack lacked a bit of bite...

[lynx42]

Joke Of The Day: Never Ask A Gunny


A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The young officer answered,” why yes, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.” The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied, “Well, sir, you have no ears.” The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.” The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn’t mention my ears.

“And how do you know that I wear contacts?” The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ####ing ears.”
-

[lynx42]

A man was telling his buddy “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”

“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”

“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said, ‘Dad, meet my new boyfriend– Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!’”

[Howard]

Well, I'm exhausted.
It has taken ages, but, at last... LINK

[Howard]

The owner of a golf course on the Peninsular was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Melbourne and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[lynx42]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[lynx42]

Hmmmmm!


These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And finally

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Could be any country.