Some Funnies

[Howard]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Howard]

Isn't this the truth ??

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.
User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.
User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.
User: ok, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.
User: pretty roses
Website: you must use at least one number.
User: 1 pretty rose
Website: you cannot use blank spaces.
User: 1prettyrose
Website: you must use additional letters.
User: 1f*ckingprettyrose
Website: you must use at least one capital letter.
User: 1F*CKINGprettyrose
Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
User: 1F*ckingprettyrose
Website: you must use additional letters.
User: 1F*ckingprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgiveme accessrightf*ckingnow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

[Keith Webb]

Very capably caught by Dan Piraro.

[maple_leaf_eh]

http://www.dormstormer.com/random/ne...vandalism-vine

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Very capably caught by Dan Piraro.

When I visited the Hoover Dam, the tour guide made the same dam jokes. Like he was "one of those dam guys, telling dam lies the whole dam day", etc.

H.

[Little Jo]

Goo'bye Gran'Dad!
Only Australians can write poetry, and relate to Australian icons!

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or ever went camping,
you will know what's meant, when you read this Classic Aussie Poem.


Poor old Gran'Dad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.


The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable had ta have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite with no trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space!

No-one had a clue at all, the Judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death!'

'This 'ere 'exploration mob' had been lookin' at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - and never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Gran'Dad would pass away that night!
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Gran'Dad didn't know
The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Gran'Dad did his dash?
Well, he always used to hold his breath........
Until he heard the splash!!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

And oh, speaking of dams.....

[universalgrl]

Over heard at a bar one night.
Two of Canada's finest airborne soldiers where arguing over who had the most completed jumps.
The first of canada's finest boasted that he had 178 completed jumps without an injury.
The second of Canada's finest boasted that's nothing I've got 286 completed jumps.
An old man sitting in the corner nursing a beer piped up and said I've jumped out of a plane.
One of the airborne soldiers said when did you jump out of a plane grandpa.
The old man slowly got up and made his way over to the bar.
He pulled a battered piece of cloth from a pocket and threw a well worn Pegasus shoulder patch on the bar between the two solders.
He said 4 jumps, two practice, D Day, and Arnhem.

Honor those who have gone before!