Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

Photoshopped but still amusing.



From bits and pieces.

[RHClarke]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop.” The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!” Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford CMP, YOU ride in it!!!”

[Mike K]

> .Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
>
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
>
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
>
> I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
>
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
>
> And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
>
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>
> Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
>

[Mike K]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!



The husband, being a normal man, replied,



"I am on the toilet, what should I do?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Howard]

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

[Howard]

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.