Some Funnies

[Howard]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..."
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it."
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it."
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... (God I miss him)."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the Gillard Government, this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

[Howard]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia just so that they can see their own doctor.

[Malcolm Shaw]

I was on holiday in Greece when i cut my foot on some rocks .

I asked for and received directions to the medical centre.

When i arrived i saw a sign on the wall next to the door.

It said `English speaking Doctors work here`.

I thought what a good idea, we should try that back home in England.

[colin jones]

A salesman called in to see a farmer and noticed a pig with a wooden leg. He asked the farmer "Why has that pig got a wooden leg"? The farmer replied, "never mind about the pig".
Again the salesman asked why the pig has a wooden leg. Eventually the farmer said, that pig saved my sons life. How did he do that! said the salesman. Well the farmer told him how his son was drowning in the dam and the pig swam out and saved the lad.
Rather puzzled, the salesman said, OK but what's that got to do with the pig having a wooden leg. The farmer replied, "Well with such a smart pig you just could'nt eat him all at once could you"!
Colin.

[lynx42]

Once upon a time there lived a King. King Midas. Everything he touched turned to Gold.
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.. But she also had a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare go near her let alone marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be
cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the Kings wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly ..
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she did turn red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was it that she felt in the Prince's pants?
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M&M's of course.

"They melt in your mouth, not in your hand".
What were you thinking??
I WORRY ABOUT YOU LOT SOMETIMES!!!!

[Keith Webb]

As seen on Bits and Pieces:

[motto (RIP)]

DAS BOOT!

David