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  #1  
Old 10-05-12, 11:40
Darrell Zinck's Avatar
Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Quote:
CANBERRA: Wednesday 09 May 2012


A Royal Australian Air Force Pilot serving in the Defence Department narrowly escaped serious injury yesterday when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience.


After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving.


As it galloped along at a steady and rythmic pace, the Pilot, who has not been named, began to slip sideways in the saddle.


Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane, the Pilot could not get a firm grip.



He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse.



The horse continued on, seemingly oblivious to the slipping rider.



Finally, losing his grip, the rider attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.



However, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.



Moment's from unconsciousness and possible death, to his great fortune a Royal Australian Navy Chief Petty Officer (shopping nearby at K-Mart), saw his prediciment and quickly unplugged the ride.

regards
Darrell
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  #2  
Old 16-06-12, 04:33
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Ganmain Tony Ganmain Tony is offline
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World explained by 2 cows…

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you a little milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.



A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.
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  #3  
Old 19-06-12, 12:04
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colin jones colin jones is offline
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There was a small Asian lady at a bank trying to exchange her Yen for Dollars. It became very obvious that she was getting irritated. She said to the teller! " Why it change?" Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for Yen and today I get only one hunat an eighty dolla! Why it change?
The young teller just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Flucuations."
The Asian lady say's! "Well Fluc you white people too"
Colin.

I see there's some new medication for stressed out lesbian's "Tricoxagain"
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  #4  
Old 19-06-12, 17:43
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Tony Wheeler Tony Wheeler is offline
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Wonderful English from Around the World

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster in Johannesburg:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In an Irish cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Thai bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Budapest :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME...
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  #5  
Old 19-06-12, 18:06
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Default Wonderful English from Around the World

Reminds me of a cheap Chinese noodle shop where I used to have lunch regularly. On each table was a plastic tray containing the usual assortment of chopsticks, plastic cutlery, serviettes and condiments, including 3 identical plastic squeeze bottles offering a choice of sauces - their contents identified in handwritten felt pen: SOY SAUCE, CHILLI SAUCE, SWEAT SAUCE
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