Some Funnies

[lynx42]

Please find below a few suggestions for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.


It can't get any easier than that!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Telephone survey...

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Canada, we all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.

[Howard]

Much better than sharing a Coke with "Wayne"!

[lynx42]

Dirty Rabbit

A while ago while lying in my hammock in my back yard and drinking an ice cold VB, I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbour's 9year old daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it, hold in depth conversations with it and play with it in the
yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so Iwashed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.

Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".

Back to the hammock and another cold one!.

Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped thelittle girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time
she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, his young daughter in tears stood looking at the cage.

Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there wasanything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick friggin mongrel would digup a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

Yah know, sometimes you just can't win with the neighbours.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

>
>
> An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a
> little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand Euros on a single roll of the
> dice.
>
> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude'.
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
> Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
> squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
> clothes and quickly departed.
>
> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
> asked, 'What did she roll?'
>
> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
> Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
> but all men...are men.
>
>

[aj.lec]

An early update regarding Christmas in our nation's capital for 2011
I wanted to leak the story early so everyone fully understands.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Canberra this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[aj.lec]

Bracelet at Harrods.


A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little ‘oops’ and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"