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#2
20-09-11, 20:00
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Pecans in the Cemetery
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...? Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....? They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk: 
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#3
22-09-11, 11:56
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True friendship
True Friendship...
...SCOTTISH STYLE!! (None of that Sissy shite) Are ye tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship... You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card . Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship. 1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad. 2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye. 3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 4. When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT. 5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING! 6... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words. 7... When ye are sick -- Stay the fook away from me until ye are well again. I don't want whatever ye've got. 8... When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy arse, .......but I'll help you up 9... This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because you are my friend. Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth... Send this to 10 o' yer closest friends, Then get depressed because ye can only think of 4..  Cheers Tony 
__________________
Anthony (Tony) VAN RHODA. Strathalbyn. South Australia
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#4
23-09-11, 10:10
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The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? " The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo shit - it means someone stole the tent."
__________________
Have a good one  Andrew Custodian of the "Rare and Rusty"
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#5
23-09-11, 17:42
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Company
A young fella sitting on a airplane happened to glance at the book the young thing was reading in the seat beside him..
It was "Astonishing True Sex Facts.." Making small talk he said .."How's the Book..??" She said..Fantastic...Did you know that Native American Indians have the biggest "members"...and Greek Men are the best lovers.."..my name is Cathy,by the way..What is yours..? The young lad said... "Tonto Yanapoulis.."   
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk:
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#6
24-09-11, 03:20
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Taiwan tools
This was posted on a yahoo group discussing the quality of machine tools ....the guy was serious ...
 Taiwan is a British Colony that is an island off of China. The quality of products being produced in Taiwan has risen by leaps and bounds of the past number of years. They are producing very decent products, but their prices have risen accordingly. Older Taiwan, was like older Japanese. Newer Taiwan, Quality is close to or exceeds North American made. There again, depends on the factory, I have bought US amde stuff and wished I hadn't and bought Taiwan and glad I did.
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1940 cab 11 C8 1940 Morris-Commercial PU 1941 Morris-Commercial CS8 1940 Chev. 15cwt GS Van ( Aust.) 1942-45 Jeep salad
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#7
03-10-11, 13:00
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E-mail from the Queen..
Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Please look to your northern neighbour for reason and logic in a sound banking system. They too, are part of the British Commonwealth . Not a single bank was troubled enough to have to declare bankruptcy or whatever it is that you call it when your banks stop functioning and they close . . . taking innocent people’s money with it. Their system is the best in the commonwealth, nay, in the world! ----------------- 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
__________________
Alex Blair :remember :support :drunk:
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