Some Funnies

[Ganmain Tony]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
> I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
> coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought
> to myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
> check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
> local pet shop and they were $100!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can
> get one cheaper off the web.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
>
> Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
> "What's the matter?" I asked.
> "I've got the big C,"he said.
> "What, cancer?"
> "No, dyslexia."
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
> move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked up. The driver
> was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
> myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
>
> On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
> doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
> country?'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a
figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first.

They're used typically for humorous or dramatic effect.

- Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

- Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

- The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!

- Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


- I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

- Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

- You're never too old to learn something stupid.


- Sometimes my mind wanders and other times it goes away completely.

- Never complain about growing old, far too many people have been denied that privilege.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

This is for Keith..at least a fitting memory of JIF,s visit to OZ..I'm sure he had these moments,,..Maybe Keith could confirm...#15

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Mike K]

House of ill repute


See if you can work this out:





There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..


There were four men ....

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.





What were the nationalities of the four men?












* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ...........................................!!!!!!


Ya gonna hate this ........................................





* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

[Ganmain Tony]

Carpe Diem - Fish of the Day

Magnum Opus - A very large Irish Cat

[Darrell Zinck]

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Wild Weasel driver in Nam , but when they retired the Thud, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. His voice trailed off as he mentioned something about going after those damned Chinese Commies across the border. But I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. And, after all he was wearing a threadbare olive green jacket with lots of zippers and a patch that said “The first one to light up, gets smoked”. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy old pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender handed the old fighter pilot a neat scotch whiskey and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" the old pilot said.


After a long pull from the glass, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."


The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered whiskey and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.


When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"


"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".

[aj.lec]

Police stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."