Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main in Gander NF, CANADA

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

That this is our own Nigel Watson mentioned..??

Message in a Bottle: 100-Year-Old Whisky Reveals Its Secrets

GLASGOW, Scotland, April 4 /CNW/ - Whyte & Mackay has successfully recreated the century-old whisky buried under the Antarctic ice by famous explorer Ernest Shackleton.

To view the Multimedia News Release, please click:

http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/pr...emackay/48896/

The company's master blender Richard Paterson spent a painstaking eight weeks marrying and blending a range of malts to get an exact replica of the 100-year-old Mackinlay's liquid.

And according to one independent expert, he has got the copy exactly right.

Renowned whisky writer Dave Broom is the only other person in the world to taste both the original whisky and Whyte & Mackay's new liquid.

He said: "The Shackleton whisky is not what I expected at all, and not what anyone would have expected. It's so light, so fresh, so delicate and still in one piece - it's a gorgeous whisky.

"It proves that even way back then so much care, attention and thought went into whisky-making.

"I think the replication is absolutely bang on. Richard has done a great job as it's a very tricky whisky to replicate, because you have this delicacy, subtlety and the smoke just coming through.

"The sweetness, fragrance and spice, and the subtle smoke, are all there in the replica. I'm blown away."

The Shackleton replica will cost GBP100, with 5% from every sale being donated back to the Antarctic Heritage Trust, the New Zealand charity responsible for finding and uncovering the original whisky. If all 50,000 bottles sell out the Trust will receive GBP250,000.

Trust chief executive Nigel Watson said: "From start to finish it's taken almost four years to safely extract the whisky crate from site and then Antarctica, thaw it in museum conditions, secure permits and complete scientific analysis in Scotland . I am delighted that Whyte & Mackay recognise the hard work and value of the Trust's conservation mission in Antarctica by making this very generous and welcome donation."

Richard Paterson said that matching the whisky really tested his blending skills, but it was a true labour of love.

"It was a real privilege getting to handle, nose and taste such a rare and beautiful bottle of whisky. The quality, purity and taste of this 100-year-old spirit was amazing. The biggest surprise was the light flavour and the clear, almost vibrant colour of the liquid. I hope I have done our forefathers and Ernest Shackleton proud with the replica.

"I would like to thank the Trust in particular for their patience, their expertise and their hard work. They fully deserve the substantial funds this special bottle will generate."

The whole replication process has been documented exclusively for National Geographic Channel for a documentary due to air at the end of this year.

Notes to Editor

Tasting Notes

The replica Mackinlay contains whiskey from a range of highland malts, including Glen Mhor, which was the original Mackinlay's distillery before it closed in 1983.

The 47.3% ABV whiskey has a light honey and straw gold colour with shimmering highlights.

The nose is soft, elegant and refined with delicate aromas of crushed apple, pear and fresh pineapple. It has a whisper of marmalade, cinnamon and a tease of smoke, ginger and muscovado sugar.

The generous strength of the 47.3% whiskey, believed to be high to stop the alcohol freezing, gives plenty of impact, but in a mild and warming way. It has whispers of gentle bonfire smoke slowly giving way to spicy rich toffee, treacle and pecan nuts.

Additional Info

Three bottles of the original Shackleton whiskey were flown by private plane from New Zealand to Whyte & Mackay's Glasgow base by the company owner Dr Vijay Mallya.

There were three cases of whiskey and two cases of brandy found on the Antarctic in 2007. One case was removed from the ice and was painstakingly thawed out under laboratory conditions to preserve the bottles and spirit in the best possible way.

That one case was found to have only 11 bottles instead of the usual 12, leading to much speculation about what happened to the missing bottle

Video:
http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/pr...emackay/48896/

For further information:

Rob Bruce, Head of Global PR, Whyte & Mackay Tel: +44(0)750-784-9831; Jill Inglis, Global PR Manager, Whyte & Mackay Tel: +44(0)773-636-5247

[Keith Webb]

This is pretty amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIMig...layer_embedded

[Keith Webb]

And here's a link.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN (OR MAYBE THREE!)

[colin jones]

A woman was walking past her daughters bedroom when she heard a buzzing sound.She opened the door and found her engaging in self pleasure with a vibrator. She said what on earth are you doing. Her daughter replied, Mum, I'm thirty five years old and this is the only husband I'll ever get so shut the door and leave me alone.
A few days later, Dad heard the same sound coming from her bedroom and opened the door to investigate. He found his daughter pleasuring herself with a vibrator and said, " what on earth are you doing. She again replied. "Dad! I'm 35 years old and this the only husband I'll ever get so shut the door and leave me alone.
A week later, mum and daughter came home from shopping. They walked passed the lounge room and heard a buzzing sound. They opened the door to investigate and found dad watching TV with the vibrator on full speed sitting next to him. "What the bloody hell are you doing" They cried'
Just watching the game with my son in law!

[colin jones]

A man rang 000 or 911 and said
I think my wife's dead!
What makes you think that said the opperator.
Well the sex is the same,
but the dishes are piling up!