Some Funnies

[Bob Carriere]

*&*^%*$%#............................ me

[aj.lec]

The Gunfighter

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy . 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much'.

[aj.lec]

WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS



'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-


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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -


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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -


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'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-



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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -


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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -


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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-


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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-


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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-


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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-


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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-


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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-


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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-


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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-


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'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-


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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-


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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-


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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-


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'Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-


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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-


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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -



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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-


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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -


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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[aj.lec]

TRAGEDY!

You gotta love Little Johnny!!


Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
The middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
The word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
Is playin' in the field and a tractor runs
Over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
Drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside,
That would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a
Great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the
Room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck
By a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a
Tragedy?'


'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
Be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either!'

[Keith Webb]

From bits and pieces.

[colin jones]

Excellent photo, but I'm gonna have nightmares thinking what her face would look like.
Colin.

[Keith Webb]

I thought this was entertaining: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=xQqQ-Kcjowg