Some Funnies

[lynx42]

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my son asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

He suggested I go down to theElderly CitizensClub and meet people of my own age.

I did this and when I got home last night I told him that I had joined a Parachute club.

He said "Are you friggin nuts?You're almost 63 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

Bloody oath I am and I proudly showed him that I even had a membership card.

He said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to the" Prostitutes Club", not a "Parachute Club!"

Shit! I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week?

Bugger me. Life as a pensioner is not getting any easier.

[gjamo]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,

you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill

with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[RHClarke]

My friend stopped by the GM dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverdo truck. Just for fun, he took it out for a test drive.

The salesman (wearing a Michael Ignatieff (Liberal Party of Canada "leader") lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that they directed air to your buttocks, warm in the winter and cool in the summer.

Feeling like messing with his mind, my buddy mentioned that the vehicle must be a "Conservative" truck. Looking a bit miffed, he asked why he thought it was a "Conservative" truck. My bud explained that if it were a "Liberal " truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.

He had to walk back to the dealership. Some Liberals have no sense of humour.

[lynx42]

Your Liberals must be the same as our Labour Party. Plenty of smoke and promises but no sense, of humour or anything else.

[lynx42]

The Queen and President Obama
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport,
\President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London,
where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses,
and continue on towards Buckingham Palace,
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth shattering f--t ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage
must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The f--t shakes the coach,
but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama,
" Mr. President, please accept my regrets...
I am sure you understand there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought..
. Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

My small grandson got lost at the mall. He
approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, " Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl.

Now I have a beautiful home, a $55,000 car, a nice big King-size bed
and a large 54" flat-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 66 year old
woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She advised me to go out and find
a hot 25 year old girl to sleep with, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems.