Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[aj.lec]

Christmas Cheer

A man in Scotland phones his son in Londay the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

'"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.


1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada . Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle

of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John , the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew, who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[Howard]

"Hey Mate, What are you up to on the week end?"
"I have to go down to Victoria to get some stuff, about a 5 or 6 hour round trip"
"Sounds good, I'll come with you for a bit of company for the long trip"
"Yeah, thanks mate, sounds good. It will be good to have a yarn & catch up..."

[Keith Webb]

Must be your relaxing driving.

Although here is a pic taken an instant later:

[Keith Webb]

This is long, hope it posts.
Should help educate our teenagers.



Source.

[lynx42]

So now maybe the younger generation will understand how it all came about.
Thats a good one Keith.
Rick

[RHClarke]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

This is long, hope it posts.
Should help educate our teenagers.

I note with interest that Australia gets a mention (rightly so), but nowhere could I find Canada's contribution...We may need futher education for the "educators"...

Other than that, our teens (those who can read) should find this interesting.