Some Funnies

[lynx42]

Subject: Women's Restroom



When you have to visit a public washroom, you
usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in,

nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall..



You get in to find the door won't latch. It

doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum , no
doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if
there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it
around your neck, ( Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'


In this position your aging, toneless thigh

muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't
taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The
Stance.'


To take your mind off your trembling

thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if
you had tried to clean the seat, you would haveKNOWNthere was no toilet
paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew

your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the
purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle
yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail


Someone pushes your door open because the

latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against
the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door,
dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .. It
is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your
bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW
what kind of diseases you could get.'


By this time, the automatic sensor on the

back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of
water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine
mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your
shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked

by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to
wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the

faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.


You are no longer able to smile politely to

them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
yank
the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has

long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he
asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your
neck?'


This is dedicated to women everywhere who

deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It
finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the
restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your
purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

[Keith Webb]

This is probably nsfw but funny anyway...

http://shop.moderntoss.com/?q=swearing

I did have the large version posted but I think it requires user discretion to look at it - there is some powerful language there.

[aj.lec]

They walk amongst us !!!

[aj.lec]

Engineering...Railway Tracks to Space Shuttles

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.


Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.


Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah


The
Engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

[Ganmain Tony]

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlessinger said that, as an observant Orthodox
Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be
condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dr Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's
Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim
the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or
should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't
agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? Should I smite
him?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect
in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to
be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should
they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a
lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole
town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?
(Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction and Special
Education University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we can't own a Canadian

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

They walk amongst us !!!

Jeez you guys...your wimmen must be pretty bored to be doing this...
Next thing they will be gluing Vegemite bottles to them selves..which in this case would make her a lot more appealing..
You guys gotta stop fooling around with those rusty old trucks and start fooling around with your wigglies instead...
IMHO

http://www.torontosun.com/news/weird.../14854576.html

[aj.lec]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Jeez you guys...your wimmen must be pretty bored to be doing this...
Next thing they will be gluing Vegemite bottles to them selves..which in this case would make her a lot more appealing..
You guys gotta stop fooling around with those rusty old trucks and start fooling around with your wigglies instead...
IMHO

http://www.torontosun.com/news/weird.../14854576.html

We look after them
Just when they go overseas (article showed she was in Sao Paulo)they get bored from lack of action and start trying to turn themselves into echidnas

Quote "Artist Lucy McRae of Australia poses after she glued safety pins on part of her body during the 'Rojo Nova work in progress' at the Museum of Image and Sound in Sao Paulo July 27, 2010. (REUTERS)

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

We look after them
Just when they go overseas (article showed she was in Sao Paulo)they get bored from lack of action and start trying to turn themselves into echidnas

Quote "Artist Lucy McRae of Australia poses after she glued safety pins on part of her body during the 'Rojo Nova work in progress' at the Museum of Image and Sound in Sao Paulo July 27, 2010. (REUTERS)

Andrew..
I'm glad you pointed that out...I missed it...
She probably got into some of that South American "Electric Lettuce",that sure as hell doesn't enhance her looks..but fries her brain at warp speed..
Better get her back to reality..like lots of beer..Barbies...Great Whites..Caine Toads...Redbacks...sun ..wind and Vegemite...

I'm sure most of you lads could straighten her out;...maybe even get her a Blitz to tool around in ..Now that WOULD be artistic...

Have to keep better track of your wigglies...
If too many of them get away the sheep will get nervous as hell..

Next they will want the chain off their leg to the bed...

[Howard]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

...Next thing they will be gluing Vegemite bottles to them selves..which in this case would make her a lot more appealing...

Something like this?
Behold! Vegemite wrestling!

[aj.lec]

Finally, someone
has managed to photograph the
pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!

[aj.lec]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is .....

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....


(scroll down)



NO, The duck didn't say THAT



.... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

Finally, someone
has managed to photograph the
pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!

You know the old saying....."where theres muck, theres money"