Some Funnies

[Paul Singleton]

The Esso near me had some troubles with their sign today. I hope it's not a sign of things to come!

[gjamo]

Subject: Man

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you
a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other
ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you
back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk
to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of
sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years... How about twenty and I'll
give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'


But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?'


'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'


So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do
monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years
we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
as a public service.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Now this is a man's BBQ!!!!


BBQ RULES
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine......
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[Keith Webb]

With one omission I have corrected. I know there are other military colours but this one no man should leave out.

[Ganmain Tony]

World survey



Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

· In Eastern Europe they didn't know the meaning of the meaning of "honest";

· In Western Europe they didn't know the meaning of "shortage";

· In Africa they didn't know the meaning of "food";

· In China they didn't know the meaning of "opinion";

· In the Middle East they didn't know the meaning of "solution";

· In South America they didn't know the meaning of "please";

· In the USA they didn't know the meaning of "the rest of the world";

· In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[aj.lec]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind
to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father
and supported many charities.


One day the evil brother died. Then,
after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to
heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.


One day he went to God and asked,
"Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him
here in heaven."



God replied, "As you know, your brother
led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.
"But, I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother
gazed into hell. Before long, he saw his brother
sitting on a bench.



In one arm he held a keg of beer,
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and
he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the
other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.

The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."