Some Funnies

[gjamo]

> Tools and their uses:
>
> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted
> part you were drying.
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "SH**!!!"
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes
> until you die of old age
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle:
> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
> more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> 6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
> objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
> wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles,
> they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've
> been searching for.
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after
> you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
> firmly
> under the bumper bar.
>
> 10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a
> hydraulic jack handle.
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
> hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading
> mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.
>
> 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin
> oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
> implies,
> to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used
> as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you
> are
> trying to hit.
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
> containing
> upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not
> holding
> the knife
>