Some Funnies

[Harry Moon]

This is the only way to deal with thieves....

ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running
to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto
... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Found this on G503. . .

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..........

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

[Barry Churcher]

Newfoundland Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a
firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan .

[aj.lec]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,

I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country

voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle

dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback

country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set

off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at

just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.


"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best

beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best

coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and

chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a

drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a

grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the

cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,

shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments

later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the

dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went

back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen

came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the

barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look

under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"


"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog

in the bar with two arseholes"..

[Barry Churcher]

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia ,
a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, obviously stalled and who was swathed
in protective clothing and helmet.


"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.


"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from
the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ....