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#1
10-09-09, 10:32
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the church gossip
The Church Gossip..
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business... Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon... She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away he didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home..... and left it there all night !!! (You gotta love Frank!)
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Have a good one  Andrew Custodian of the "Rare and Rusty" 
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#2
10-09-09, 14:21
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Bet you pass this on
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC or Subway. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Pastilles and some fireworks to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and played in streams with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no videogames at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, nosurround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really! We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet! Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot  Keith
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#3
10-09-09, 18:25
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maybe it's true?
This is the only way to deal with thieves....
Quote:
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#4
18-09-09, 13:11
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Found this on G503. . .
Quote:
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Regards, Hanno --------------------------
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#5
19-09-09, 15:12
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Remember "it's just a joke" no offence
Newfoundland Vasectomy After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan .
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Every twenty minute job is one broken bolt away from a three day ordeal.
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#6
20-09-09, 09:48
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A CATTLE DOG STORY
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters". "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia. "Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush". "Right" said Julia. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar. "G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer". "Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up". Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over. "Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"..
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Have a good one Andrew Custodian of the "Rare and Rusty"
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#7
22-09-09, 02:28
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On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia ,
a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, obviously stalled and who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman. "Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." "Can't." "OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ....
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Every twenty minute job is one broken bolt away from a three day ordeal.
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