Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

Here are a couple of good ones... first 9 things women say

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes in the sanctity of your workshop before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm, and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever! : Is a woman's way of saying F - - K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

And for you Canucks. Obviously the author of this one was unaware of CMPs in Canada.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'


'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John, 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.


'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[Howard]

Rules for Women Teachers: 1915- Queensland Australia

1. You will not marry during the term of the contract.
2. You are not to keep the company of men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8.00PM and 6.00AM, unless attending a school function.
4. You will not loiter downtown in ice cream parlours.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits without the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colours.
9. Under no circumstances may you dye your hair
10. You must wear at least two petticoats and your dresses must not be shorter than two inches above the ankle.
11. To keep the school room clean, you must sweep the floor at least once daily, scrub the floor with hot soapy water at least once a week, clean the blackboard once a day and start the fire at 7.00AM so that the room is warm when the children arrive