Some Funnies

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.

That's why they call it 'present'

[Keith Webb]

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[Tony Smith]

B B Q RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the
meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

[hrpearce]

There are four houses of worship in a small, rural Texas town: the Pentecostal Church, the Baptist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. All four houses of worship are overrun with pesky squirrels. In the Baptist Church,the deacons meet and decided that they are not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they trap the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels are back. In the Pentecostal Church, they decide to pray for the squirrels to go away. A fortnight later, the population has doubled. The Catholic Church comes up with a better solution. They baptise the squirrels and register them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.