Some Funnies

[Sally Ann]

The Four Cats



Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'


CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies.......


drank the milk......


sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......


put in for Workers Compensation............... and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............




AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£290,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking £2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a
pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.

That's why they call it 'present'

[Keith Webb]

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[Tony Smith]

B B Q RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the
meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

[hrpearce]

There are four houses of worship in a small, rural Texas town: the Pentecostal Church, the Baptist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. All four houses of worship are overrun with pesky squirrels. In the Baptist Church,the deacons meet and decided that they are not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they trap the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels are back. In the Pentecostal Church, they decide to pray for the squirrels to go away. A fortnight later, the population has doubled. The Catholic Church comes up with a better solution. They baptise the squirrels and register them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.