2005 Darwin Awards

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here
then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He
peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim
to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out
one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find
a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting
there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and
prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
the drawer... $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and
hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To
which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk refused because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.



A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.