[FearNaught]

Originally posted by sapper740
Malcom, welcome aboard and thank you for the very, very funny thread. In the same vein, how is your brother Dread? Joined the Navy, did he?
Currently, I'm attempting to track down the final disposition of the Chieftain tanks from Texas that were sold after David Estes' unfortunate demise. David's widow didn't share his love of armour and apparently has shut down the business, "Tactical Tanks" and sold off the assets. I've heard rumours that they have gone to museums, but they are uncomfirmed.
While I've got you on the line, here's a question for you. Is it true that the Israelis took on strength a few Chieftains for testing and assessing for use as their MBT just prior to building the Merkava I? I've been to Latrun once or twice and don't remember seeing a Chieftain there. I know they made good use of the Centurion (Sho't) which had several permutations in Israeli service. I believe cost, and suitability to both desert and mountainous terrain was the final arbitor in the decision by Yisraeli Tal to build the Merk. Your thoughts? Derek.

Hi Derek, shame about Tactical Tank's demise, many companies here have tried and failed to make a success of 'tank driving'. I saw one of the tanks destined for Texas about 4 years ago at BMV - British Military Vehicles near where I live. I contacted Bob Grundy to see if he had a chieftain I could should my partner round as she had no comprehension of size of such a beast. He invited me up and lo.......there was a tank awaiting USA spec holes cutting in breaches etc. Unfortunately I took no photos of No plates etc. But, it may be useful to contact him http://home.btconnect.com/bearuk/about.htm
as he may just have enough contacts to help you but, no promises.
Glad you liked the tank design chapter, I'll post this next one specifically about the USA as I felt the American industrial might warranted a chapter to itself - the story opportunity was too good to miss! An American Tanker on a UK thread took umbrage saying the book would never sell in the US as my sense of humour is 'far removed from the American's'. See what you think, no insult or anything is meant it is simply a means to a laugh!! Feedback appreciated. I'd hoped for more feedback on the first snippet but, well, can't have everything!!

Before I post it, your Chieftain question. I'm unaware of any trials by Israel. There were many thoughts on Chieftain's future prior to the Advent of Challenger. One such you may be aware of was Chieftain 900, this tank became the forerunner, loosely, of the Khalid which then became Shir which, courtesy of the Shah's disappearence from Iran, became the UK's shortcut to answer M1's and Leo 2's appearance, in Challenger 1. here's a pic of the 900 in case you're not familiar with it mate.


I can't imagine that Israel would have been mad enough to request trials on Chieftain, sadly at the stage of Merkava, Chieftain was a dinosaur. Oman had (may still have?) a large quantity of Chieftains but, whether some local agreement was reached? Doubtful but who knows? The 900/Khalid/Shir theme was, as far as I'm aware a failed attempt at Middle East sales. Certainly the biggest flaw, Chieftain's lamentable British Leyland L60 power pack had been replaced by a thoroughbred Rolls number. After Centurion and it's battle worthy proof of reliability etc, and the 'Super Sherman' they developed Chieftain for all it's technology wouldn't have been upto Israeli type terrain. the engine and transmission would have let them down every time unless................they'd of course bought and modified it!!!!
Incidently, did you know that the original RTR Capbadge was to have Dreadnaught on it, Churchill decided it smelt 'too much' of navy and it was scrapped in favour of fear.
Anyway here's the chapter on USA design........remember it's for laughs.
Cheers
Malc

Chapter 32

The Yanks are yanking their chains?

I’ve separated the American art of tank design into this, it’s own chapter as they’ve made so damn many tanks, and, as with all things American – always bigger and better.
As the First World War rolled towards it’s inevitable end. The war
had attempted to drain the last of Europe’s youth in the blood baths of the Western front, suddenly and quite unexpectedly, the
Americans took an interest.

For a year or so they’d been watching as the first tanks lumbered
through the morass of mud guiding the poor infantry onto their
objectives with more than a fair chance of survival. Suddenly in
Washington a little known group of ‘project development analysts’ sat bolt upright and exclaimed, as one, “sheeeee..it boy!!”

They glared at each other and one chap shouted .. “If the president is gonna send our boys over there, they’ll need some sorta protection! Otherwise, chickadee chickadoo, our boys’ll be comin a home in coffins!!” Another analyst now chirped in………..”that’ll not be good for the president’s re-election, we’s a better be doin’ somethin about this situation!!!”

They now pulled out various newspapers and sat idly reading and ‘chawin baccy’ the only sound being an occasional hiss followed by a ding as tobacco laden spittle shot from between their teeth into strategically placed spitoons around the seating area. One man suddenly looked up and said…”I know, we’ll round up a bunch of reds off a reservation and send them over first!!!!! They’ll soften up the hun and our gallant boys’ll have a walkover after them!” This was met by disapproving ‘tuts’ and a flurry of hisses and dings!!!! “hey boy” whispered a colleague to the outspoken racist……… “they’ll be votin before ya knows it…….the president has to think in the future ya knows! Anyhows the limeys and frogs have been doin that for ages now so it’s gonna be easier for us no matter what!”

One chap who, instead of chewing tobacco, sat pondering the New York Times while chewing his smouldering cheroot suddenly sat up and cleared his throat. “Hrrrmmmmpppphhhhh, hey boys I think our answer just came over the hill!” He now folded his broadsheet and turned it so all could see the picture he’d been studying. There, in all it’s magnificence was a Mk V male pounding down on a trenchline with guns blazing. The reader continued..”Heyll’s a poppin boys, we’s gotta get us one of these…………..then we’ll copy it and just make the sucka bigger!”
Everybody became most animated now jumping up and down hugging each other and dribbling tobacco stained saliva down the backs of each other’s coats in their excitement. One chap even wondered whether anyone would care to join him at a urinal…………”What boy?!” Came the response in unison……..”you think we’s are all homo…sexuells boy?!” And with that, as one they all jumped the poor unfortunate and beat the hell out of him.

So in due course the Yanks arrived in the hell of the Western front being led by their brand new Tanks and yes they were……………..well, a bit bigger but, no better. Either way, the Americans came to Europe and in their parlance…. “Beat the sheeeit out of them jerries!”
So, rid of the German threat of world domination and having ensured that ‘Weeners’ would keep coming from Germany for centuries in the future the American wave receded back stateside and once more the great eagle rested and watched the world.

One day however there was a ‘future prospect of war, senior boffin armoured technology project development analyst’ by the name of Christie who was reading a magazine about German politics. “Sheeeit on a stick!” he suddenly exclaimed jumping from his seat and running out of his office. He ran to the ‘thinktank analysts room’ down the corridor and smashed open the door. “Boys, we got us a problemmmm” he announced. “In this magazine it says Germany is building tractors in Sweden!” One brave bloke having cleared his mouth of mint flavoured ‘chawin baccy’ spittle enquired….. “hey heiny so what’s the big deal? The Versailles treaty only screwed up the Boche economy so they couldn’t have an army or navy, NOT so’s they couldn’t do a little farming!” Christie now continued, “No Chuck, this little feller Hitler is hiding something, probably tanks! I can a feel it in ma water, anyone wanna come to the urinals and check it out?” he now almost died in the face of the fists, boots and spittle accompanied by shouts of “hey ya fcukin queerboy leave us alone!” from his paranoid colleagues.

However in due course Christie got to play with his own design of
tank. He was particularly interested in suspension systems having examined the dreadful systems employed in WW1. He was convinced that better suspension would increase mobility and higher speeds. So was born Christie suspension. It was radical and lo, he was right, it did the job very nicely. Suddenly tanks could achieve speeds which would raise expectations of shock action like the cavalry had once enjoyed. The American War Department? Oh yes they came to have a look and were even quite impressed then said, as they walked away…. “YEAH Christie, we’ll think about it, there’s a good boy!” and strolled off spitting left and right in a most haphazard fashion covering the poor coloured cotton pickers as they toiled in the adjacent fields!
From seemingly that point on, America threw itself into designing and building a massive array of tank designs, the forecourt competition becoming as confusing as the automotive industry which built the huge and confusing variety of cars in an attempt to keep up with Mr Ford.

THEN……1939 and WWWWOOOOOMMMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHHHH! Up went Europe again, in a cloud of smoke and belching explosions all over it’s land mass.
In Washington meanwhile the President was addressing his defence chiefs……..”Okay boys, this will not, I repeat, will fcuking NOT become an American fcuking war!! But…………..just in case it does……..we’ll give the Limeys a few weapons on like a hire purchase scheme. That way we’re trading for money……theoretically but………really we’re helping them soften the naaaazi’s ready for if we have to go (he broke briefly into song) ‘over there, over there ..oh the Yanks are comin, the Yanks are comin’ aaahhh that song brings back such memories”….. “Mr President?” interjected one of the Generals. “Oh yes Walt, sorry I was just somewhere else a moment,…where was I? Oh yes….send some tanks and planes………..not good ones mind just cheap crap so’s it looks good but is about as much use as tits on a flatfish………okay y’ all?” The response was unanimous………..”Sure is Mr President crap it certainly will be, and it’s on it’s way!!!”

So with no more to do, the mighty American armaments industry swung into action and spewed forth tanks in their hundreds and in their thousands and.……..they all headed towards blighty………..almost like a potato blight. The British of course were really chuffed to see all these strange machines landing on the docks. Why? You ask, well, in general terms because Britain had **** all tanks left, just about everything the British Army had was languishing, courtesy of the British Expeditionary Force, all over the French countryside after Dunkirk. In fact the Germans were busy turning most of it into novelty barbeques, or so rumour had it!

Eitherway, with Britain’s aramaments industry struggling and their tank designers having difficulty with the concept of guns bigger than peashooters, the Brits were mighty glad of these things looking like tanks and even having guns on them.
In the desert war against Hitler’s Afrika Korps, some American designs even became popular with the crews, a light tank, the Stuart, even got nicknamed ‘Honey’ by a member of 3RTR, the name stuck as the tank was so popular. It didn’t seem to matter that a shot from a German infanteer’s rifle could almost open one up like a tin of ‘bully beef’. Nor did it matter that it’s fuel consumption alone would, in peacetime have altered an entire nation’s economy. No, it was brilliant. The vaunted Sherman also became quite popular, even though Germans nicknamed them, between huge guffaws ‘Tommy cookers’ and even the Americans called them ‘zippos’ due to their propensity to catch fire…….almost instantly, when hit, roasting the unfortunate crews to their deaths. At this point Britain was becoming wary, the Sherman’s gun? “That may need to be a tad bigger to take on a Tiger!” said one Brit boffin and, upgunned by the Brits it was, to make a version called the ‘firefly’. An apt name because against a King Tiger it would have been exactly like a firefly jabbing its blazing butt up against an elephants arrrrse…….ineffectually. Only when a bunch of fireflys, a few Shermans, 2 tons of plastic explosive and a minefield and a demolition crew ganged up could a King Tiger really get stung.

Sure enough, one morning in Down Scratchett, a small Wiltshire Hamlet, the tromp of boots accompanied by a rousing chorus of “the Yanks are coming” announced the arrival of America’s finest into World War Two closely followed by male screams of “lock up your daughters or there’ll be a baby boom and we ain’t got enough to feed ourselves let alone anyone else and…………don’t think you can survive on nylons. Cigarettes and chewing gum!!!” From this point on though there were plenty of women who thought you could survive on those essentials.
The entry had also been hastened by the fact that Japan had pasted the American Pacific fleet at Pearl Harbour. Now that meant an all out assault on Emperor Hirohito’s ally……..Adolph Hitler.
In Washington, the ‘there really is now a real prospect of war, senior boffin armoured technology project development analyst’ department went into overdrive, spittle flew everywhere, one scared guy shouted above the others….” Fcuk boys we’ve been caught sleepin on ma’s porch here! Now our boys are over there fighting in the scrap we sent the Limeys! What are we going to do?” “Fcuk ‘em” came a bourbon soaked reply from a red faced sot laid back in a leather recliner, evidence of his mastery of spit trajectory laying round him on the floor, a whisky glass on his chest. He drawled on…. “who gives a sheeeeit? I don’t! We always think of something and I’m sure we will now………………” He now passed out leaving the others to continue their in consternation over the vexing problem of what they would do about their tanks.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch where, Tonto disguised as a door, got his knob shot off!! D Day was in full swing, all sorts of crap was going on, tanks carrying snorkels and massive skirts, behaving like boats and all sorts. Brave job they did too, in fact D Day was a costly but valuable victory. Most Allied Tank crews however, as they came off the beach, met Herr Achtung Panzer and his rolling storm of armoured death and destruction. The only thing heard coming from behind the closed door in Washington was…… “We’s right in the sheeeeit now guys!”

But in the end the allies biggest winning factor over the Germans was moral courage, stalwart determination, the crumbling and inadequate German armament industry and a shit load of fighter bombers to support the swarming mass of tanks and other vehicles crawling over Europe towards Berlin like an army of ants. The Americans always said, “they’s don’t have to be great just build sheeeeit loads of ‘em!”

So the Second World War took it’s place in history. The world looked forward to a more peaceful future. America, decided that, it should however, remain in touch with the tank race. It had improved it’s designs with examples such as the Pershing , okay it was the size of an aircraft carrier but only so it would be ‘bigger and better’ than anything else.
One morning the door to the office of the ‘there really was a real prospect of war and we won it anyway but there won’t be another, armoured technology project development analysts’ burst open with such force that it caused a massive involuntary multiple hiss and ear bending DINGGGGGGG as 20 mouths spat huge wads of brown spittle across the room. An excited chap rushed in and asked all assembled “Boys, you heard we’ve gone into Korea!!!” “Sheeeeit!” was the chorus that greeted him, a lone voice continuing…..”what’d we go and do that for?”
“Anybody need the lavatory?” came a voice at this moment. “Find that bastard and pile on!!” came a shout as the poor unfortunate disappeared under the mass of flailing arms and even the odd chair as it crashed down amid screams of “queer” and “faggott”.

They got away with Korea without having to do much development as technically the war didn’t last too long and Britain with it’s mighty Centurion stood solidly at America’s side pounding the enemy with shot and HE. America’s foreign policy has, since then, been build em and then build some more. Since the 60’s they have however, calmed slightly choosing to build slightly less variety and more of one type. The world has now seen the M48 and M60 both also having been exported round the world. Then, up with the ill fated MBT 80 project between the NATO powers including Uncle Sam, unfortunately he couldn’t make the appointment so the ‘there really was a real war or two, we won anyway so there won’t be another war…yet….but that doesn’t matter cos we don’t give a damn armoured technology project development analysts’ Department made the appointment, then everybody fell out with each other and, hoped, as they ran away, that the bits they’d stolen were the best bits.

The Germans and the Americans quite quickly developed and launched the Leopard 2 and M1 Abrams respectively and built them almost at the same time. In Washington, Chuck was putting together (spitting ferociously) a plan on how to beat ‘the hun’ to first tank produced. Someone however pointed out a slight problem………… “Chuck, the fcukin gun is still the one off the Limey’s centurion…..it’s small and old. The Germans are sticking a 120mm smoothbore gun on this Leopard and it then outguns the sheeeeeit out of us!!!” “It’s okay Ricky” replied Chuck then continued…. “I’ve got it all worked out! We’ll wait till we get a good idea of what it’s like then…………………..steal the fcuking plans then say we had it all along after that stinking MBT 80 project!!!”
He then added, the engine’s gonna be sheeeeit hot on the M1 cos I’ve made it from a jet engine!!!!!!” Ricky now chirped up “Fcuk man, it’ll drink so much gas it won’t be cost effective!!!!!” Chuck was however, undaunted….. “Sheeeeit, not a fcuking problem pal, we’ll arrange to invade Kuwait or Iraq, cap their oil wells, syphon off and no American will complain, their gas prices will be so darned cheap they wouldn’t dare, you can suck my dick if it ain’t so!!!!”
Chuck was, shortly afterwards, found dead in the toilets, he displayed strange marks on his body that looked as if he’d been beaten to death by a mob. The only clue to be found was, daubed in red paint across his back, the word……..FAG!!!!!!

Soon after, one day the Tanks moved swiftly into Kuwait!………………..