humour
 

A rope walks in a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, " i'll have a beer please"
to which the barman exclaims " we don't serve your kind 'round here, now get ".
The next day the same rope walks into the same bar and once again asks the barkeep for a beer. The barman tells him to get out as he don't serve that type 'round here.
The rope, feeling kinda down really wants a beer. He decides that his approach is wrong and decides he needs to unwind a little after tying himself up in a knot over the situation.
He goes down to the same bar, approaches the same barman and asks for a beer. Just as the barman is reaching to get his beer, he stops and says' "hey, wait a minute, you're that rope!" to which the rope relies, "afraid not".... :p

Re: humour
 

Huh...?

I don't get it.

Something lost in translation between Rockwood and Owen Sound?

Re: Re: humour
 

Er... " a frayed knot"... I know, it's stifling... :D

More?
 

A moose goes into that same bar and the barman asks " Why the long face?" ...

A bear followed the moose into the watering hole and thirstilly says " I'll have a ...." and looks around, " ... beer please." To which the bartender replies " Why the big pause?"

hahaha


Stewart

This was sent to me by a military guy so thought it okay to post.

" Walking Eagle".

Prime Minister Paul Martin was invited to address a major gathering of the
Canadian Indian Nation two weeks ago in Northern Canada. He spoke
for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native's
present standard of living, should he be re-elected. He also referred to his career as Finance Minister.
Although the Prime Minister was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed
most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud
Prime Minister then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came
to select the new name given to the Prime Minister.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full
of shit it can no longer fly.

A Sandwich...
 

walks into a bar and orders a beer .
"Get out" says the bartender - "we don't serve food in here"

(sorry - had to do it.

Desert Survival Tip
 

Do you know why no one has ever succumed to starvation in the sahara desert?

It is due to the large amout of sandwichs there.

( Sand which is there - you kind of have to say it slow ...)



Stewart

Re: Desert Survival Tip
 

Would this be for Jon's benefit, Stewart? :idea:

Groan!:dh:

I've already done my time in the desert....someone else's turn.

Staff Christmas Party
 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2005

RE: Christmas Party



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2005

RE: Holiday Party



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2005

RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5.00 is too much money and executives believe £5.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2005

RE: Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

DATE: October 05, 2005

RE: The F***ing Holiday Party



Vegetarian pr*icks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!





FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.



Happy Holidays!